Sunday, January 1, 2012

Where have you been?!

It's been over a month. Why? Because i have to write about something that i don't want to. It makes me sad. To be honest, I try not to think about it because it makes me want to cry. You know how you have to cry about things sometimes, like a break up or a death, you just have to take time out to cry about it. Let it out. Though it isn't a break up, or as sad as a death this is one of those things that needs to be cried about. I haven't done that yet though. And in reality, even if I need to, I don't want to.

The day of my last post, the day after D's birthday & party Mathew had an appointment to go meet with the back surgeon {catch up on the story behind that here}. At Mathew's age [26] surgery is the last resort. They had tried shots, physical therapy & chiropractic care for his "slipped" disc. His orthopedic doctor told him physical therapy would help strengthen his back & put those vertebra back where they should be to help heal the discs. But when Mathew went to the surgeon that day they told him what the problem was. They also told him that because of his young age they tried everything else first. They scheduled him for a cat-scan of the area just to be sure and to see exactly what they were dealing with. Dr. Ipson noticed that Mathew has a fracture in his spine. There's a freaking crack in his spine. His spine is cracked. His back is freaking broken... right? if something's cracked, it's just as good as broken. No telling when this happened, but now it's to the point that it's affecting Mathew's discs. That's the only reason he noticed it. 5 discs to be exact. His entire back actually. L1-5. They are going to have to do surgery to fix it of course. He'll have a metal in him. They'll fuse all 5 discs. He will lose 60% mobility in his back.

He's 26. 26!

He can't work. He can't walk for more than 30 minutes, stand for more than 30 minutes, sit for very long, bend, pick up the kids, take out the trash, drive a car for very long, without possibly hurting himself. Without irritating his back. He can't even sit up or down the wrong way or it catches & hurts. It sucks. I think it sucks just thinking about it, I can't imagine what it's like for him. His surgery is scheduled for January 9th. He'll have to be in the hospital for a minimum of 3 days, but up to a week. Of course the insurance company only approved a 2 day stay. Um... this is major back surgery yo. To get to the lower part they'll have to go through the front, as a result of that they told him that there's a 50/50 chance he'll be sterile after the surgery. [he accidentally said impotent last time we were talking about this. LOL I told him to be careful and make sure he uses the right word when telling other people, cause we can't have that! ha!] I'm glad we already have our 2 little ones. The last of which made me realize 2 is enough, plenty.

My mom has taken the 9th & 10th off to come stay at our house so that my kids can be comfortable at home and I can be with Mathew at the hospital. Thank God for mom's right? I know I've said it before, but I'm so happy Billy is here too. He couldn't have moved in at a better time. Though he moved in right before Mathew got hurt and stopped working and sometimes I want to strangle both of them [there is such a thing as spending WAY to much time together] it's worked out great.

Mathew's recovery time is a minimum of 6 months I think. How does one function after back surgery? He'll need assistance with a lot of things. He'll need to be driven to doctors appointments, rehab. He'll be in a lot of pain. He'll probably be cranky. I know it sucks for him. I know he also, like me, prefers to take it a day at a time instead of thinking about it all. It's a major bummer.

But I also think about me. I mean I'll be there for him. ALL the way. every step of the way. but that's gonna suck too. I'm sure he'll be grumpy toward me. I'm sure he'll hate having to need my help for a lot of things. But we'll get through it and be ok. When he first told me about the possibility of surgery, before we knew how big a deal it was, my first thought was "um, i think you'll go straight to your mother's house from the hospital". I tell that & laugh, though part of me is serious. But when I tell that to some people they look at me like I'm a horrible person. I don't get that. No one WANTS to go through that. I mean I have 2 kids, 4 & almost 2 years old, and a house to take care of. I'm NOT looking forward to it. I'm afraid I'll lose my mind. I'm afraid to be tired, cranky, and mean all of the time. I'm afraid to have a freak out/break down/panic/anxiety attack/meltdown/go crazy. I'm usually the cool, calm, & collected one. Am I being selfish?

Whatever happens, I'll let you know. I'm sure there'll be a lot of late nights. crying. pain. arguments. Isabella has become a night owl. wakes up at 3 am every morning. can't fall back asleep til around 5 or 6. Mathew can't/won't go to bed til late. sometimes I'm so tired during the day that D falls asleep with me so at 8pm he's wired & ready to go for another 5 hours. which means I stay up with him and only get a few hours before Isabella wakes up. Then only get a couple more hours before D wakes up. It's a vicious cycle. I just try and keep my head above water with laundry, dishes & cleaning in between. plus food. did you know they require 3 meals a day + snacks?? and active kids who love to dance require lots to drink. which also means lots of diaper changes and peed on bathroom floors, walls, & cabinets, sometimes even the trashcan gets a few ounces of pee in it. it's awesome.

even with all of this going on, Douglas is the best kid ever. He's a fantastic older brother. Isabella misses him when she's awake at night just for those couple hours. Isabella is a pill, but she's great. She's so funny, loves to cuddle with me & her daddy, and is very independent. Mathew, he's doing ok for being in constant pain. For knowing that he can't provide for us like he wants to right now. For knowing that it's going to get worse before it gets better. He has his grumpy days, I don't blame him. But we love each other more than anything. He's my guy. I can't imagine a day without him.

I also have made some very close friends. I'm so thankful for them. one i lost due to.... well, we just can't be as close as we were anymore. But I still have Amanda & Liz. Amanda will be the "i need a break, please take my kids so I can sleep" friend. The "we have to get out of the house for an hour we'll be at your place in 5 minutes" friend. she's so reliable, and one of the few friends that lives less than 10 minutes away. Liz will be the "Mathew's asleep/grumpy/having a bad day & needs to be left alone we're coming over for the day" friend. The "I need a drink or some crack to keep from losing my mind, will you join me at 12am?" friend. [i don't really do crack, i'd be a lot skinnier if I did... hey! there's a idea!] She's also the "let's laugh our butts off & forget about your issues" friend. She's the life of the party and puts drama in every word she says.

We'd appreciate your prayers and well wishes for Mathew's surgery, just knowing that you care & have him in your thoughts helps more than you know.

I probably won't proof read this because I will just make myself cry. so I'm sorry if it's all over the place.