Monday, December 31, 2012

2012 was

Well, it looked like it would be a rough one... and it was. It's never as bad as it could be, it can always get worse, so I'm not complaining, just talking.

Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.. but probably because I psyched myself up.

I didn't do much blogging.. even though I wanted to. even though I needed to. I just couldn't.

In January Mathew had spine surgery. [details on the before surgery info, here]
Recovery was rough [here + here]... and not just on Mathew. I almost had a breakdown.
At times I felt weak for not handling it better. But we got through it.

We also celebrated our 7 year anniversary... I'm here to tell you that the 7 year itch is real. It. Is. Real. But we made it. We survived. We're stronger than ever.

I got some good deals.. this dress for 9.99?! I mean...

You guys, Douglas started pre-school.. SCHOOL!

We had a couple of great trips home, even one to fabulous craft show that I haven't told you guys much about. I was so excited to get in, and I had such a fabulous time! But I just haven't had the time to blog about the experience.

Double rainbow!

Isabella was grumpy... I'd say about 355 days out of the year.

I found some more awesomeness via Pinterest. Including some words that help me be ok with being a crappy mom sometimes... I bared my heart and soul to ya'll. I know I'm not the only one that hears the phantom murders, screams, and carnage.

Douglas turned 5 and had a killer Michael Jackson party.. I have that blog as a draft.. forgive me.

Douglas also had his first surgery... hopefully only surgery. He had his tonsils removed, but get this.. on the SAME day as Mathew had his removed.. Double tonsillectomies... I have nothing more to say about that. It wasn't pretty.

We had a fabulous Christmas... but I have to mention Sandy Hook. I was out Christmas shopping when I heard, first I saw something about it on Facebook. Even though Facebook + I have a rocky history, when I'm out on the town I can't help but check it every so often. Everyone just expressed sadness... once I looked into it.. I had a horrible feeling. I tried not to let it get to me, I was trying to get all the shopping done that day. It was on the back of my mind though.. and after the kids were put to bed, I just lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I was so sad. I feel for the parents.... and those poor babies. What they went through... What they felt, the fear. I can't even... I'm so sorry. My heart, prayers, love goes out to all of the victims' families... no words could ever comfort you, or make it easier... I still have my babies though, and I don't think I'll ever look at them the same. though I want to run away from them sometimes, or they make me want to stab myself in the eyeball, the thought of those sweet children & what their parents went through won't leave me. I can't shake it. So I'll hold them a little longer, let them sit on my lap, let them "help me in the kitchen... love them. Because they are still here for me to love.

I think that next year we'll have to do more giving than receiving. And by we I mean the children. They were a little stingy this year. So I'll have to come up with some activities that induce more of a charitable spirit.

This last week D & M got some kind of stomach flu thing.. It lasted less than 24 hours though so that was a +... I'm thinking me & Is didn't get it because we're strong, healthy girls.. men are weak. [*wink*]

I'm kind of glad to see 2012 go... I'm really looking forward to next year. I've got big plans. Mostly plans to get my life back. To do things right, grow, become a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend.. a better me.

I also have plans for my little shop.. not big ones, but good ones. But for now, to celebrate the old + new year I have a little something for you.


Monday, December 10, 2012

The way it should be...

I'm going to lose my mind.

I need to keep Douglas occupied so that he doesn't start bleeding out and die. [dramatic much? I don't think so. They cut pieces off of him.] Isabella just wants to be held all day long, she needs constant attention. I know that she takes after me in that way, I like to have attention I wish I didn't but I do need people to like me and be affectionate toward me.

So I think, "okay, all this other crap can wait till tonight after they go to bed or during nap-time." But lately Isabella can't go to sleep without me, without ME being with her. So I lay with her for what feels like an hour, sometimes it IS an hour. By the time she falls asleep it's 9 o'clock and since I've just been laying there I'm super sleepy, if not already passed out with her. I put her in bed with D and it worked fabulous for a while, but she just tries to keep him awake now. During the day we color, play, watch movies/tv [more than we should]. The only things I can do are crocheting, maybe reading, and some online stuff because Isabella can sit on my lap or next to me while I do it.

So things get put off and dishes pile up and laundry overflows. And honestly I just want to throw all the dishes away and get new clothes. I'm also a stress eater so I've gained 20+ pounds in the last two years. I want to do yoga. I want to do my hair. I want to make a nice dinner. I want a freaking shower. I want to sew. I want to have a clean organized home.

But I also want to spend as much time as I can with my children and I want to make memories with them. I want them to remember me as a good mom who didn't take any bull, but also fun. I want them to be happy that let them paint their bedroom walls and I let them paint naked outside and I let them make cookies and make messes and I made cupcakes and things for them. That I took time out and played with them.

I want them to see me as more than just their mom too. As a person, a creative person. A smart person. A pretty girl that doesn't always wear yoga pants. But there is no time for ALL of that. ["Ain't nobody got time for that!"] There's no time for me to play with them AND keep everything picked up and perfect. And if I try to keep everything the way I think it should be I turn into a monster. I want to stab someone if they just breathe or dirty a plate.

So I will learn to embrace the messy. Be comfortable in yoga pants that don't get to do yoga very often and hide the dirty pots and pans and cookie sheets in the oven. At least we made dinner together and decorated some cookies... Even if they were eventually just fed to the dog.

In a a few years I won't know what to do with myself. In a few years I'll wish I could wash their dirty clothes and sleep with them.

But then it'll just be us. it'll be time for us to get to know each other again... for me to pursue anything that I want to. I can travel, go to school, get a job, paint. Anything. But for now I need to just take it a day at a time. I've enjoyed them as babies and toddlers, now Douglas is in preschool and too soon he'll be in kindergarten.. I'll get to enjoy most of it. I'll also get to hate lots of it. No sleep, all the poop, being their taxicab, getting their bad attitude, being talked back to, the eye rolls... Then being left for the career they've dreamed of, the opportunity of a lifetime, for the God that they want to serve, for the pretty girl that he loves & for the boy that steals her heart. They can go be productive, involved members of society. Invent things, write things, learn, teach, achieve. Then all those times I couldn't poop, eat or shower without them will be a blur. And I'll be proud to have been the person that made them who they are. Then they'll live their lives. They'll be on their own. And I can live mine.

[images via here, here, + here]

Sunday, December 9, 2012


Yup, more than one. Same family.
Father-Son tonsillectomies.
What I thought would be within a week of each other, then ended up being on the same day.
This would only happen to me right?!

Mathew's was initially scheduled for Wednesday November 28th and Douglas' for Monday December 3rd. Mathew's would've been the day after D's birthday/party [Michael Jackson party?! yes, I'll blog about that soon. Hopefully]. It would have been before The Little Craft Show. So in between me planning/hosting/cleaning up after a party and building my inventory for + traveling to the craft show I've been looking forward to for a year. I would've also had to figure out something for the kids since he would have been recovering from surgery. So... I moved it. To Wednesday December 5th. They do all tonsillectomies on Mondays + Wednesdays. 

So I was prepared, for D's surgery to be on Monday, and M's on Wednesday. Then they called from D's ENT office and said they had to reschedule his to the 5th... I laughed and said of course! Both tonsillectomies would be on Wednesday. Thanks to my wonderful in-laws and some well thought out planning, things went through without a hitch. 

Douglas looked so cute in the gown.

[little boy booty in boxer briefs, need I say more...]
We tried to keep him entertained, and he kept the nurses cracking up. When they asked him if he went by Douglas, Doug or Dougie, he said, "Michael Jackson." And when another nurse asked if she could call him Michael, or Mr. Jackson, he said, "it's Michael Jackson." Ha ha! my kids are a trip.

[clockwise from right: D feeling nervous, D coloring and goofing around with the nurses, and D trying on some of the nurses' latex gloves]

Douglas was taken for a wagon ride.. taken away from me. That was hard.

The doctor came out to talk to me when the surgery was done. She said that he did great and, "his tonsils were huge! And it takes a lot to impress me. They definitely needed to come out". She knew that his dad's tonsil were coming out too. She gave me a hug and said that I probably needed a prescription to get out of the country. Ha! 

The experience of having D go through that was horrible. I hated every minute of it. He was miserable afterward. He hated waking up from the anesthesia and I had to get in bed with him to calm him down. He just wanted it to be over, for the pain and grogginess to go away and go home. I wanted to take his place, make it better.

Thankfully my in-laws kept Isabella for the first 2 nights. Mathew slept, and Douglas threw up most of the day the day of the surgery. He couldn't keep anything down until around 7pm that night. Even now, he's not 100% himself. There's been times when I've had to keep him from running and trying to wrestle the dog. But yesterday was day 3... The notes, the doctors, the nurses, the internet says that day 5-7 will be the worst. That's when the scabs come off and they will be in more pain. The pain is supposed to increase every day til they do come off, then it's supposed to hurt really bad, and then get better. I'm not ok with that. Mathew will be fine, though they say it's worst on adults than on kids. basically, D is making Mathew look like a wimp. I feel a little bad because he's totally getting jipped. I'm taking care of my baby. Mathew is an adult, he'll be fine I'm sure.... Sorry babe.

I think we'll be ok. I think keeping D's mind occupied is probably the best way to keep things going well. We've watched movies, played games, read books & baked + decorated cookies.

Hopefully the rest of the recovery will go on uneventfully. But for now I'm just holding down the fort.