Monday, September 16, 2013

Hi, my name is Emma

and I may be a little overwhelmed... I'm going to tell you everything that has been going on.. then maybe later in the week (month) I'll expand on it.

The gym my husband owns with a friend is opening it's second location. I know I'm part owner too, but I feel weird saying that. Because it's really his thing. So when people ask if I own it I say, "my husband does." We've been working around the clock (him more than me) to get it open. Hopefully we can by the end of the week.

I've changed Created to EmmaMade. My hats are in a retail store.

I'm planning a big indie craft show for March 2014. I'm hosting it. I'M putting it together. It's something I've been wanting so bad! I found the location, got all the paperwork/permits/rules figured out. I'm going for it!

Douglas is in kindergarten. He's there more than he is home it feels like. He goes from 8-3 Monday through Friday. I miss him. I'm also room parent for his class. But he's also developed a social anxiety thing. Maybe it's a phase. But his daddy kind of does the same thing. He's in a boys hip hop class.

Isabella is obsessed with ballet. Also tinkerbell and Holly Golightly. Yes, Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast At Tiffany's. She acts like she's 25. But she's cute I guess. She is in a ballet class.

Mathew goes in for another CAT scan next month. There's a chance he may have to have another surgery.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Bipolar 2. Not the super intense bipolar 1. Not the Silver Lining's Playbook bipolar. I'm ok saying it now. I'm ok talking about it. Now that it's real. At first I just thought I was lazy/ill equipped/not cut out for life as an adult. There's those dumb people. Ok, they aren't dumb, maybe ignorant, inconsiderate people who believe that mental illnesses aren't real. And honestly, I agree with them to an extent. Now a days every child out there has ADD and every adult has fibromyalgia or depression. But I honestly believe that we just don't take care of ourselves. There's no discipline. No spirituality, it's looked down upon, who has time for it?! there's no eating healthy, it's about convenience. Exercising?! what? that doesn't fit into my schedule. Not to mention all the full time moms that also have a full time job. I fortunately can stay home with my children. I love it so much. But when I went to talk to someone about my issues I was worried that they would tell me that I was bored and should take a class or get a job. Honestly I can't imagine ever being bored. I love life, love painting, drawing, crocheting, baking, decorating cakes, watching comedies, documentaries. Who can get bored with the internet around?! Betty Draper said it best, "only boring people get bored." But society has a stigma about stay at home moms. We do not stay home eating bon bons and watching soap operas... one of my husband's closest friends even asked him about me, "Doesn't she want more?" More?! More. I couldn't ask for more. I have my little handmade business, I help my husband in his endeavors, I'm in charge of a household. That's a lot. Things that until not too long ago took  a whole stream of servants to do. Uh, Downton Abbey anyone?! lol a cook, a teacher, a driver, errands, organization, cleaning. Just talking about it wears me out. Add an in town job to that?! no thank you. I admire those who choose to or have to do that. But for me, my place, my happy place, is at home. listening to my children laugh and play while I make a pie. That's joy. But when sadness, not wanting to get out of bed to even feed your children, not wanting to even eat creeps in there... there's a problem. I will answer the basics: No, I am not nor do I plan on taking medication. I thrive on a schedule. So early morning work outs and meal planning will make it all a lot easier. I take on others emotions, so surrounding myself with good friends is super important. Being present and enjoying the moment will help SO much. Also talking to a psychiatrist a couple of times a month has been a life saver. I think that I had about a year and a half where I took the world and put it on my shoulders. Mathew's surgery, 2 babies, my brother lived with us, my mom is well, my mom. When things started getting back "to normal", Mathew going back to work, Douglas starting school, my brother moving out, both kids becoming more independent, I looked around and I wasn't there anymore. I was so busy keeping everyone together that I had let my mind, my heart, my soul slip. I also like to be the motherly type. I take people under my wing and try to just smother them with kindness and love. Even to the detriment of my own family and health. That has to stop.

So day by day. We're living the life we were put here to live. A happy one. One that reflects our father and all the wishes he has for us. One in which we grow and learn every day. Just like the life I picture in my mind for my children. Be healthy, be kind, be happy, have fun, follow your dreams, and don't forget about the one that made you. You are representing your maker + your family every day. When you make mistakes and don't recognize that person in the mirror, just dust it off and start again. Every day is another opportunity to be better. Not better than anyone else, but better than the you you were yesterday.