screw Created to Be A Help Meet! i don't mean it. ok, right this second, and for the last thousand seconds i have, but in my heart i know i don't mean it. so just let me rant ok?! if not to be honest, be myself, tell you what's up, how i feel, even for just a little while, then what is this blog for?!! so give me a minute {or 10} while i go to the verge of cussing, being selfish, and whatever else you think i'm being.
I titled this post "change {part dos}" because my last post {here} was about how things were going to change and how i thought me working and mathew staying at home might be a beautiful thing! well it was. FOR 1 F-ING DAY. he got me coffee, woke up with Isabella at night bc she had pooped {middle of the night pooper remember?} he was doing dishes when i left for work, etc.... since then...um... let's just say it this way. It looks like the only change that will be happening is that I'll be working now AND doing MOSTLY EVERYTHING at home. nope that's too nice... and doing EVERYTHING else too. EVERYTHING.
also, the conclusion has been made {i won't incriminate the person who i came to the conclusion with but it was funny... we laugh about everything.... ok maybe i gave it away there}. Mathew's back problem derives from the pressure his head is putting on it. you know because it's so far up his butt. if he would pull it out I'm sure he'd get some relief. we all would.
and if i hear one more person telling me "oh, poor guy, i bet that's hard on him" well you know what?! screw you too!! or at least punch you where i can reach you!!
what about me. what about me leaving my children. what about me working AND coming home to Isabella STILL sleeping even though she should've been woken up an 45 minutes before then?? AND to Douglas sleeping on the couch, the kid who can't take naps because then midnight becomes his bed time, because Mathew & Billy were playing video games and he got bored.... what would make him think that as soon as i get home it's over. I don't do that when he gets home. When he was working once he came home he didn't have to lift a finger. what about that?!! what about me having been on my period for the last 2 months?!! yeah, i went there. I've been having problems with that since here. i thought i was dying at one point. now it's annoying but i have to wait a month until i get my prolactin levels checked again. then if they are still high i'll have to get an mri to make sure there's nothing major. ME the one WITHOUT the health insurance.
what about Douglas. who today asked "why do you cry everyday" i don't but i guess to him it seems like i do that often. broke my heart. he told me not to get daddy angry and to tell him it was just an accident. then he told me to listen to "So What?!" by P!nk to make me feel better. and to tell daddy that too. so he'll feel better. what about douglas. although honestly that song would probably just make me want to throw the xbox out the window then run it over & over with his truck. then drive that truck into a wall. maybe i'd be hospitalized and get waited on at the hospital for a couple days....
what about Isabella who's a mommy's girl and is cranky all day because i'm nowhere to be found.
what about the freakin cats in my garage that tear up the trash, but mathew keeps feeding?!!
what about the internet i'm not "allowed" to use while gaming is going on. which is ALL the time! c'mon guys it's my life line!! gaming time which is right now. yup they're both on the f-ing xbox and talking to eachother, not able to hear anything besides the game and the players with those freaking headsets on. and no i don't care. I dare one of them to come in here and tell me i'm slowing their connection down. i welcome it. i sooo should have married a 65 yr old guy like Elizabeth did, he refers FB as "The Facebook". I need one of those guys. he has a cleaning lady come once a week. i need one of those!! pronto!!
what about me still trying to do zumba {which is f-ing hard} and yoga so that i can lose some weight. for HIM! because i said something about my belly the other day & HE said, "don't do that, that shouldn't even be there" HE SAID THAT!!! and it wasn't an accident!! WTF???!!!!
I love my husband very much... and I do not mean to be talking him down in anyway, he's a great dad, wants to be a good husband. He just needs to chill out and use the common sense God gave him. What is going on?! and no one say "he's feeling emasculated because you're the one working now." we talked about that... and honestly i don't give a shiz. not a bit. he needs to get over himself. and i know his mom and family members read this. I KNOW. and so?? this is me. if he would like to be babied he can move back in with his mom, I'm not babier. {example: D sitting in sandbox crying. me:"don't just sit there crying like a wimp! come get me and let me know what's going on!" yeah, i'm that mom}
something's gotta give!!
or maybe i just needed to let it out. i'm glad i FINALLY have friends i can talk with, and this blog, where i can just type away my issues... well... kind of.
Repeat after me: Satan, get thee behind me.
ReplyDeleteOh, girl, I hate that you are feeling this way! No one should have to work outside the home then come home and do it all there as well. I'm sure you've talked to him about it, but something's going to have to give because you can't keep going like this. Feeling burned out is bad enough, but feeling bitter towards the one you love is even worse. I hope things get worked out soon for you guys. Love you!!!
ReplyDeleteI don't really know how your family does things, but it seems like you really need help from your husband. I get that you are/were a stay at home mom so you felt that you needed to do everything yourself, but that isn't possible. Curt and I do chores together; one night I will take out trash and then the next he will or if he grills outside then I do dishes and if I cook he does dishes. On sundays we have a major cleaning day and we both take turns picking rooms to clean. The only thing he doesn't do is laundry and that is because my washer and dryer are very expensive front end loaders and he was trying to open the door backwards one day and yeah I don't want my door ripped off my washer, ha! He does help me fold me the clothes, though. You are husband and wife, but you are also a team {and there is no I in team} and you need to realize that, you both are parents so you both need to help in raising your children togther, you shouldn't have to be the only one who gets up at night to change diapers he should help, hell he should want to help you! But, like I said I don't know how your family does thing, but this is just my view from what I have read from your blog.
ReplyDeletethanks for all the love & support guys! Sarah, we're VERY traditional around here. well I am. I don't, or didn't expect mathew to do anything around the house. he would usually work 60+ hours a week. so nope, nothing expected at home here. except mowing the yard maybe, and not leaving dishes and stuff all over the place. now though, now that he's the "stay at home dad" he himself has taken on the responsibility of the children and little daily things around the house, dishes. some laundry. but I will only be working m-f so saturday is now cleaning day. I clean toilets, sinks, etc. He physically shouldn't be doing any of that. Our situation is different right now, but when he farmed i was in charge of pretty much everything else. and honestly, i like it that way. right now i'm having a hard time with the way he folds towels... lol so i think you & i live very different lives, we also have children and a larger than average house. so things are a little different just in that. and actually yes. I should be the only one that gets up in the middle of the night to change diapers... because mathew would have to work in the morning. i could take a nap when the kids would too. or sleep in in the morning. now he gets up in the middle of the night with the kids because I have to work. now if we ever both worked i'm sure we'd take turns. but I don't know what that's like. actually i guess we both did work at one time, but his hours are sunrise to sundown or later 7 days a week, so any hours i work don't even compare, so yeah would usually get up with the kids. I don't think that's wrong or unfair at all. and maybe this was the only post you've read of mine having to do with marriage. if so i'm sorry. i'm usually very conservative and traditional when it comes to that. maybe skim through some of my created to be a help meet posts? anyway... maybe when mathew's back starts to feel better but he's not back to work yet we will totally give that picking rooms to clean thing a shot! sounds like that runs smoothly! i'd love that. of course if we tried that now, kids would be pulling on out clothes the whole time.... it's not hard, just different.
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