airline safety

my last post was.....
well.
i don't think it was mean.
it was..... real.
everyone goes through spells like that with people they love so i'm not sorry that i posted it.
mathew read it.
we talked.
and i was right.
...i usually am... [sarcasm..... but not really]
he's unhappy. he's discontent. not satisfied. not present.
he admitted that he's been distant. and a-holey.
he's not happy with his lot in life.
if it were up to him he'd be farming right along side his dad... building up the farm even more.... [or however you would say that, i don't do farm talk]
and as much a you'll hear me say how i can't believe i live out here, how i detest bugs, heat, grass, and pretty much anything outdoorsy. i want him to be doing what he wants to be doing.
and I will do all i can to help.
I've picked up dead turkeys, fallen in turkey poop, gotten turkey guts & poop on my face, driven weird machinery, giant trucks, and even faced my fear of up close contact with cows for this guy.
because it's what he loves.
because it's his life.
but in order for him to be able to do that in the long run, he needs to back away from it right now. just for a bit.
he needs to heal.
but he doesn't want to need to heal.
he hates that this is happening in the first place.
so what does he do?
he isolates himself.
he hides behind mean words and snappy comments.
mostly from me.
we all know by now that i don't put up with unnecessary attitude and hatefulness well... at all. from anyone.
but i'm the last person that he wants seeing him that way. seeing him in his "weak state".  though i don't think of him that way at all. i don't see him that way... in his mind he wants to keep me from thinking of him needing help, not being able to pick up our children, or even bend over sometimes.
and i understand.
i also know that as much as you know what's good for you, what's right from wrong, sometimes your feelings, thoughts, emotions, and fears trump what you should feel and take over.
as much as we talk about him enjoying his time off, enjoying spending time with the kids, helping a little around the house, and just being home he wants to be somewhere else. let me rephrase that. he wants to be ABLE to be somewhere else. and he is... able... but then what... we'll have to call an ambulance one day to come pick him up and take him straight to have back surgery?! no!
back surgery is the last resort. and the cause of what's wrong can't even be fixed by surgery. {details here}
i had postpartum depression after having isabella. so i do understand.
and i also know, and he knows in his head, in his heart that for now... he's just gotta suck it up and live life.
the way it is.
he's gotta take care of himself, be happy with himself, thank God for the life, the people he has. get close to Him. just be happy "within". maybe even taking up a hobby [besides freakin xbox please?! did i tell you that he got invited to join a pro team as an alternate?! that there's a gaming league... what?!! I know! lame-o... but they'd probably say that about walls of yarn and fabric that make my heart flutter] eat right, exercise, stick with the physical therapy.... get good sleep.
LOVE himself.
no one, i don't care who they are, can respect, love or take care of anyone else the proper way [selflessly] if they don't respect, love, or take care of themselves.
it's one of those "airline safety" situations. where you put on your own oxygen masks first before helping those around you. not saying don't help those around you, but rather don't let yourself become faint from lack of oxygen, that you can't be much good to anyone at all.
it'll take time before he's happy again.
but he will be.... even just FINALLY talking about it he seems like he has a load off.
he's a tough nut to crack.
but i think together, we'll be ok.
we'll be great.