on being bipolar

This post will be brutally honest. It will be a look inside me, my brain, my soul.. It's a scary place, well only scary because it's different. So if you don't like different, if you are going to be judgmental, discriminating, critical, cynical, or condescending, just go ahead and close out this tab and head on back to Facebook.

In my last personal post I came out of the bipolar closet.... well, kind of. I guess if you're around me, you know I'm up and down a lot. It's a struggle.

"I want to sit with you right now... Cause some days you're nice. And some days you're mean." -Isabella, age 3.

I've been watching [when I say watching, it means that I let it play on my laptop or the iPad while I do dishes, cook, clean, crochet.. fold laundry.] Say Yes to the Dress. The other day there was a girl on there who just couldn't find a dress, she had OCD. Like bad. She'd wash her hands til she bled bad. So "saying yes to the dress" and actually making that decision was so hard for her. It made me sad. You could tell that she just wanted to scream, she just wanted to be normal for a bit. Just enjoy the experience without over thinking it. Though I don't have OCD I can understand her struggle. The wishing you could just get over it and be normal, but feeling this wall that just shuts you out of that "normalcy" that you can see in others. I see moms that have a full day, that get to paint chairs, work out, take their kids to activities, keep their house tidy, make 3 meals most days. and still have time to hang out with their friends once or twice a week.. That blows my mind. I don't even get it. How?! HOW do you do that?! I have my good times, when I'm on a roll and I'm all, "Check me out! I'm an adult!" and then there's those slumps. The house is a wreck, the kids are dirty and we're eating cereal from the last 2 clean bowls. During a craft show, after just having a baby, or just during a stressful time, that would be acceptable to me. But every couple of weeks?! Ugh. It kills me. Then I feel busy, full of energy ready to take on every project and the world. But it takes all that energy for me to get things caught back up. I understand that you should just keep up with the dishes girl. Just suck it up and do it. Duh. Easy peasy right? It should be. Then why is it so daunting to me?! Why is keeping a balance so hard. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember. A lot of people don't get it. They just don't. And that's ok. Just be nice. Don't judge. On my good days, I bet I'd run circles around you.

I am not a morning person, ever. Even on my good days. I mean, I think that the whole world agrees that waking up is hard. On those really, really bad days for me, it's even harder. I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all. Like I could just go right on sleeping. For days. I've been trying to head that off by waking up extra early and going to the gym at least 2-3 times a week. On the days that I do, I love it. Waking up is still hard, but when I come home I have to shower, get breakfast, wake the kids up, and get D to school. Then I come home, feed the dogs and water the plants.. [I've kepts a few plants + herbs alive y'all!! woo hoo!] That sets the tone for the day and I have a plan and take care of business. I'd like to thank my darling friend Shannon for getting me hooked on the early morning work out thing. Shannon is a stud... She teaches cardio kickboxing at the YMCA and totally kicks people's egos to the curb. The best part about early morning work outs is that no matter what the rest of the day throws at you, you've already worked out and can just go to bed when the kids do. Like 8pm. I think appreciation for an early bed times just comes with growing older..

My psychiatrist and I have decided that this little routine and having a game plan for the day is my best way of coping with my moods. I thrive with order. But then.. I'm also an all or nothing type of girl.. when that morning routine is broken, I feel like I should just give up and start again the next day. That sucks. It takes a lot for me to snap out of it.

Another thing that I have found helpful are friends. Cutting a lot of crappy friends out. Not where you thought I was going with this huh? Well, I made a list. One of my best friends, I think she's my best friend actually.. though we don't go around doing the whole "besties!" thing because.. well, that's stupid. She once said, "friendships are supposed to be easy. No making excuses, just honest and easy. Relationships with family and your partner, those are the ones that require so much work." And she's right. So I decided to evaluate my friendships. I didn't have any bad friends really, but I did let people use me. I did get overwhelmed taking care of my friends and not myself or my family. I did let friends influence me going to Sonic for lunch and letting the kids play, then going to the park even though I know I should get home and work on orders or whatever. I didn't want to miss out. I'd stay up late to get things done, then was a zombie during the day.

Those friends didn't get it. So we don't hang out as much anymore. I've made 3 sections on my "friends list": 1. friends I'll see at holiday parties and birthday parties (most people) 2. friends that are definitely keepers (4 people I think) and 3. "friends" that I don't want as friends at all, that if I never saw or heard from them again I couldn't care less.. (only 2 on this one!) That may be harsh. But that's how my mind works best, with lists, compartments, and boundaries. I've never had boundaries before. People would talk to me about anything and I'd over share and get overly attached and try to mother everyone. People don't want you to be their mother Emma!

Learning boundaries, having a routine... er.. a FLEXIBLE routine, and being true to myself no matter what, that's what I need. That's what will help me. But besides all that.. because all that really just goes to the crapper more often than I'd like and then what?! Besides all that I know in my heart, my soul what I need. "The only one that can satisfy the human heart is the one who created it" -C.S. Lewis. I need God. I need to surrender, walk with, remember, even notice God. That's the hardest for me. I have a control issue, it's all or nothing like I've said before, so allowing someone else to guide me and let me lean on them is SO hard for me. It's a daily struggle. Surrender, just be. Just go with it. Be present, live your life, don't just exist. As a mom, as a friend, as a very conscious person I've realized that the best way to love, the biggest gift you could give to your spouse, your children, your family, your friends is to just let them be. Let them be themselves, let them grow and learn, and be there for them. No judgement, no meanness, just love. Douglas and Isabella behave well [for the most part], I have high standards and we have rules.. but they can choose to love ballet, and hip hop, and candy. And I'll encourage them to love those things that THEY want.. but I'll also make them brush their teeth, and practice their dance, and do good in school. Just like I know Mathew loves the gym and being fit, and pricey running shoes... But I also know when I should get him a bowl of ice cream because he's had a bad day.. and then tell him no to seconds.

That's how God works. Look around, he gave us this. It's up to us to choose what we do with it, he lets us be. Why not be great?!

The way it should be...

I'm going to lose my mind.

I need to keep Douglas occupied so that he doesn't start bleeding out and die. [dramatic much? I don't think so. They cut pieces off of him.] Isabella just wants to be held all day long, she needs constant attention. I know that she takes after me in that way, I like to have attention I wish I didn't but I do need people to like me and be affectionate toward me.

So I think, "okay, all this other crap can wait till tonight after they go to bed or during nap-time." But lately Isabella can't go to sleep without me, without ME being with her. So I lay with her for what feels like an hour, sometimes it IS an hour. By the time she falls asleep it's 9 o'clock and since I've just been laying there I'm super sleepy, if not already passed out with her. I put her in bed with D and it worked fabulous for a while, but she just tries to keep him awake now. During the day we color, play, watch movies/tv [more than we should]. The only things I can do are crocheting, maybe reading, and some online stuff because Isabella can sit on my lap or next to me while I do it.

So things get put off and dishes pile up and laundry overflows. And honestly I just want to throw all the dishes away and get new clothes. I'm also a stress eater so I've gained 20+ pounds in the last two years. I want to do yoga. I want to do my hair. I want to make a nice dinner. I want a freaking shower. I want to sew. I want to have a clean organized home.

But I also want to spend as much time as I can with my children and I want to make memories with them. I want them to remember me as a good mom who didn't take any bull, but also fun. I want them to be happy that let them paint their bedroom walls and I let them paint naked outside and I let them make cookies and make messes and I made cupcakes and things for them. That I took time out and played with them.

I want them to see me as more than just their mom too. As a person, a creative person. A smart person. A pretty girl that doesn't always wear yoga pants. But there is no time for ALL of that. ["Ain't nobody got time for that!"] There's no time for me to play with them AND keep everything picked up and perfect. And if I try to keep everything the way I think it should be I turn into a monster. I want to stab someone if they just breathe or dirty a plate.

So I will learn to embrace the messy. Be comfortable in yoga pants that don't get to do yoga very often and hide the dirty pots and pans and cookie sheets in the oven. At least we made dinner together and decorated some cookies... Even if they were eventually just fed to the dog.

In a a few years I won't know what to do with myself. In a few years I'll wish I could wash their dirty clothes and sleep with them.

But then it'll just be us. it'll be time for us to get to know each other again... for me to pursue anything that I want to. I can travel, go to school, get a job, paint. Anything. But for now I need to just take it a day at a time. I've enjoyed them as babies and toddlers, now Douglas is in preschool and too soon he'll be in kindergarten.. I'll get to enjoy most of it. I'll also get to hate lots of it. No sleep, all the poop, being their taxicab, getting their bad attitude, being talked back to, the eye rolls... Then being left for the career they've dreamed of, the opportunity of a lifetime, for the God that they want to serve, for the pretty girl that he loves & for the boy that steals her heart. They can go be productive, involved members of society. Invent things, write things, learn, teach, achieve. Then all those times I couldn't poop, eat or shower without them will be a blur. And I'll be proud to have been the person that made them who they are. Then they'll live their lives. They'll be on their own. And I can live mine.

[images via here, here, + here]

Tonsilectamies

Yup, more than one. Same family.

Father-Son tonsillectomies.

What I thought would be within a week of each other, then ended up being on the same day.

This would only happen to me right?!

Mathew's was initially scheduled for Wednesday November 28th and Douglas' for Monday December 3rd. Mathew's would've been the day after D's birthday/party [Michael Jackson party?! yes, I'll blog about that soon. Hopefully]. It would have been before The Little Craft Show. So in between me planning/hosting/cleaning up after a party and building my inventory for + traveling to the craft show I've been looking forward to for a year. I would've also had to figure out something for the kids since he would have been recovering from surgery. So... I moved it. To Wednesday December 5th. They do all tonsillectomies on Mondays + Wednesdays. 

So I was prepared, for D's surgery to be on Monday, and M's on Wednesday. Then they called from D's ENT office and said they had to reschedule his to the 5th... I laughed and said of course! Both tonsillectomies would be on Wednesday. Thanks to my wonderful in-laws and some well thought out planning, things went through without a hitch. 

Douglas looked so cute in the gown.

[little boy booty in boxer briefs, need I say more...]

We tried to keep him entertained, and he kept the nurses cracking up. When they asked him if he went by Douglas, Doug or Dougie, he said, "Michael Jackson." And when another nurse asked if she could call him Michael, or Mr. Jackson, he said, "it's Michael Jackson." Ha ha! my kids are a trip.

[clockwise from right: D feeling nervous, D coloring and goofing around with the nurses, and D trying on some of the nurses' latex gloves]

Douglas was taken for a wagon ride.. taken away from me. That was hard.

The doctor came out to talk to me when the surgery was done. She said that he did great and, "his tonsils were huge! And it takes a lot to impress me. They definitely needed to come out". She knew that his dad's tonsil were coming out too. She gave me a hug and said that I probably needed a prescription to get out of the country. Ha! 

The experience of having D go through that was horrible. I hated every minute of it. He was miserable afterward. He hated waking up from the anesthesia and I had to get in bed with him to calm him down. He just wanted it to be over, for the pain and grogginess to go away and go home. I wanted to take his place, make it better.

Thankfully my in-laws kept Isabella for the first 2 nights. Mathew slept, and Douglas threw up most of the day the day of the surgery. He couldn't keep anything down until around 7pm that night. Even now, he's not 100% himself. There's been times when I've had to keep him from running and trying to wrestle the dog. But yesterday was day 3... The notes, the doctors, the nurses, the internet says that day 5-7 will be the worst. That's when the scabs come off and they will be in more pain. The pain is supposed to increase every day til they do come off, then it's supposed to hurt really bad, and then get better. I'm not ok with that. Mathew will be fine, though they say it's worst on adults than on kids. basically, D is making Mathew look like a wimp. I feel a little bad because he's totally getting jipped. I'm taking care of my baby. Mathew is an adult, he'll be fine I'm sure.... Sorry babe.

I think we'll be ok. I think keeping D's mind occupied is probably the best way to keep things going well. We've watched movies, played games, read books & baked + decorated cookies.

Hopefully the rest of the recovery will go on uneventfully. But for now I'm just holding down the fort. 

The Phantom

I used to love taking showers. Well, I still do.
Ever since Douglas was born I kind of hate them.
Well, I love them. But hate them.

When they're babies, the spit up, poop, and sleepiness makes you wish you could shower every half hour.

When they're toddlers you hope to have 10 minutes to just shave your pits and maybe wash your hair.

But what about when they're old enough to be alone for 15-20 minutes and know that you're in the shower if they need to get you? Can you actually enjoy yourself?

That's a big fat NOPE! [no Call of Duty breaks for me]

I don't think that as a mom I'll ever just be able to not think about them. To just be in the moment. At least not for more than a couple minutes. But it only takes 1 minute to scarf down two slices a slice of walmart cheesecake in your car in the parking lot. I live for those minutes. Even though I don't log enough workout time to counteract them...

Right now Douglas will be 5 in November & Isabella is 2 + a 1/2 and showers suck when they're home. Even if they're sound asleep. EVEN if their daddy is home.

Shower time is when the phantom shows up.

The phantom crying, screaming, crashing.
I know that I'm not the only one who hears it. I've asked around.

When D was a baby I swore he cried as soon as I got in the shower. I'd turn the shower off and everything was quiet. Daddy at work, d sound asleep.

Not just during showers though, any loud activity, vacuuming, blow drying my hair... whatever.
It sucks.

I mean, sometimes when Mathew is home I think that I hear a car full of murderers pulling onto our gravel driveway, coming in and killing everyone. I'll come out of the bathroom in a towel only to be shot in the face. ["I shot Marvin in the face!"- name that movie!]

I know it's morbid.
I try to ignore it.
I have a playlist entitled "squeaky clean" for those rare occasion where I can use up all the hot water because the kids are in bed and Mathew is home. I use that time to practice my lip-sync performances with a shampoo bottle. I'm kind of amazing at it.
If there is no music and sometimes even WITH the music and the dancing and shampoo mohawks there's still that fear.

It's like Dexter's dark passenger. I've wondered if it will ever go away.... I think:

"I'm sure it'll get a little easier once I know that they are adults and I've [hopefully] done an ok job raising them. But when they go to school, are they being picked on? Would they tell me? Are they keeping up with the curriculum? Do they wash their hands? Do the other kids ignore them? They're in the backyard but what if a cow goes crazy and runs through the fence to trample them? Did one of them just fall down the stairs? What about when they start driving.. Oh man... I'm starting to hyperventilate. What about when they decide to go explore the world.. When they're in India, or Turkey, or Bolivia, or Tulsa? Will I hear phantom sounds then? Yup... I need some cheesecake."

airline safety

my last post was.....
well.
i don't think it was mean.
it was..... real.
everyone goes through spells like that with people they love so i'm not sorry that i posted it.
mathew read it.
we talked.
and i was right.
...i usually am... [sarcasm..... but not really]
he's unhappy. he's discontent. not satisfied. not present.
he admitted that he's been distant. and a-holey.
he's not happy with his lot in life.
if it were up to him he'd be farming right along side his dad... building up the farm even more.... [or however you would say that, i don't do farm talk]
and as much a you'll hear me say how i can't believe i live out here, how i detest bugs, heat, grass, and pretty much anything outdoorsy. i want him to be doing what he wants to be doing.
and I will do all i can to help.
I've picked up dead turkeys, fallen in turkey poop, gotten turkey guts & poop on my face, driven weird machinery, giant trucks, and even faced my fear of up close contact with cows for this guy.
because it's what he loves.
because it's his life.
but in order for him to be able to do that in the long run, he needs to back away from it right now. just for a bit.
he needs to heal.
but he doesn't want to need to heal.
he hates that this is happening in the first place.
so what does he do?
he isolates himself.
he hides behind mean words and snappy comments.
mostly from me.
we all know by now that i don't put up with unnecessary attitude and hatefulness well... at all. from anyone.
but i'm the last person that he wants seeing him that way. seeing him in his "weak state".  though i don't think of him that way at all. i don't see him that way... in his mind he wants to keep me from thinking of him needing help, not being able to pick up our children, or even bend over sometimes.
and i understand.
i also know that as much as you know what's good for you, what's right from wrong, sometimes your feelings, thoughts, emotions, and fears trump what you should feel and take over.
as much as we talk about him enjoying his time off, enjoying spending time with the kids, helping a little around the house, and just being home he wants to be somewhere else. let me rephrase that. he wants to be ABLE to be somewhere else. and he is... able... but then what... we'll have to call an ambulance one day to come pick him up and take him straight to have back surgery?! no!
back surgery is the last resort. and the cause of what's wrong can't even be fixed by surgery. {details here}
i had postpartum depression after having isabella. so i do understand.
and i also know, and he knows in his head, in his heart that for now... he's just gotta suck it up and live life.
the way it is.
he's gotta take care of himself, be happy with himself, thank God for the life, the people he has. get close to Him. just be happy "within". maybe even taking up a hobby [besides freakin xbox please?! did i tell you that he got invited to join a pro team as an alternate?! that there's a gaming league... what?!! I know! lame-o... but they'd probably say that about walls of yarn and fabric that make my heart flutter] eat right, exercise, stick with the physical therapy.... get good sleep.
LOVE himself.
no one, i don't care who they are, can respect, love or take care of anyone else the proper way [selflessly] if they don't respect, love, or take care of themselves.
it's one of those "airline safety" situations. where you put on your own oxygen masks first before helping those around you. not saying don't help those around you, but rather don't let yourself become faint from lack of oxygen, that you can't be much good to anyone at all.
it'll take time before he's happy again.
but he will be.... even just FINALLY talking about it he seems like he has a load off.
he's a tough nut to crack.
but i think together, we'll be ok.
we'll be great.

facebook

no, i'm not missing.

you didn't get "unfriended" {at least not yet}

i've been thinking about it for a while & finally decided to give it a go.

i deactivated my Facebook account.

i don't miss it yet. i actually feel, relieved. a load off. deadpan.

i read this post and then this one. the 2nd one is really neither here nor there with me though I guess, because I don't have a big following {at least not yet} or super successful shop {at least not yet}.

but even before that, i thought about it.

first off - 
what Kerri calls "the surface, shallow friendships". there are some people i'm "friends" with on there that i haven't seen or talked to in a LONG time {not even on facebook} & they live in the same town. it's not just their fault. i don't reach out either. though honestly i think i put more effort into friendships than most. i haven't had close friends since... well none in high school, i seemed to be too conservative for my high school class. I did have great church friends but only saw them once a week or so and couldn't really share my whole "life" with them you have to be in high school to understand it.. the only friends i did have were adults. mom & dad like to me. those people, those friends, though older than me are still my friends. they live either in central Arkansas {5+ hours away from me} or in Bolivia {a different world}. so when i meet someone that i really want to be friends with i take the time to get to know them, call them, text them, be there for them.

Kalyn was my last "real" friend. i met her my first day working at a bank in Northwest Arkansas, the day before she had her daughter. I had Douglas a year later... IN NORTH CAROLINA. Kalyn puts up with me.  when mathew & i had some "issues" a few years back, Kalyn's house was open to me at 3am when i thought running away was the only way to get my act together. she was also the one that said "maybe you should go home". we have the same kind of humor, that's a very important trait in a friend..... since we live far away from eachother we don't talk as much. we're there for the major & can "pick up where we left off" any time.

honestly, i think my honesty, my way of thinking scares people off. I'm not one to push my believes in a way to make you feel uncomfortable or inadequate. i know that most people feel completely comfortable to be themselves and speak their mind around me and i should feel the same right?! I have made a couple of friends lately. I love them, they're great. they're REAL friends.

second-
bragging. why do people feel the need to brag about everything they have/own/do. specially the "i just got a mani-pedi, going to eat at the most expensive place in the world then shopping for $6,000.00 bags... 2 of them!" every freakin day. i have to admit, some of it is me. oh the jealousy. i'm usually a very simple gal. don't wear much make up, keep my hair pretty plain. like cute comfy clothes {dresses with pockets!!}. i love a good bargain. but then when i see people like THAT & i'm like, well maybe i should try harder, why don't i look like that, why isn't my husband buying me stuff like that. why aren't WE in debt up to our eyeballs?! oh right because it's stupid & so not me.

now that i'm a mom, the moms on there really "grind my gears" {name that show!} "my baby never cries, breastfeeding is so easy if you don't do it you're a whimp, i make the bed everyday, my house is spotless and i just cooked a 5 course lunch, gotta get started on dinner while my wonderful children play without fighting & making messes!" what thuh?! no one believes that, all you're doing is telling people like me that you don't think we're as good as you. you ma'am can go eat your 5 course meal while i unfriend you. and at the same time i question my decisions as a parent, look at my house and want to run away, go eat a tub of ice cream because as much as i don't want it to, it still gets to me.

third-
me. i seem to cause some problems. i'm the girl that gets called into the principal's office for making someone cry. not just for fun, but in defense of someone else or my beliefs. i hate bullies, i hate when people criticize everything. specially on facebook. it's like hey, if i like fishing, my profile will probably be loaded with fishing pics, you don't like fishing?? fine but you don't have to ramble about how you don't like my pictures & fishing is cruel or whatever people say. i don't like fishing. lol

lastly-
unfriending. i've narrowed down my list from like 400 to 206. i keep family members & REAL friends, ones that i interact with at least on facebook. but there are those 30 or so that i feel if i remove them i'll hear something. they'll talk crap about me. they'll get together & say, "what a jerk!" which i guess i can be sometimes. or they'll think i'm trying to hide something. the people who aren't my friends but still creep on my facebook page. i DO post often. a lot actually. i like to. i also like to keep my friends & family updated on Mathew & the kids. i have no family less than 1.5 hours away. & most of it is atleast 18-26 hours away. facebook is a means to keep tabs on each other. to see our cousins & what they're up to, to see pictures of our kids & can't believe how long it's been since we used to have sleepovers. it's nice. but those other people, the s*** talkers {can you tell i'm getting a bit aggravated?}, the fake smilers, the oh "i love you're new dress" sayers {how the heck do you know what my freakin wardrobe is?! this is 5 years old! to which then they say "oh well you haven't worn it in a while!" what?! i don't remember what i wore yesterday!}. THOSE people, the ones i need to unfriend but can't find the guts.... they were the last straw.

so i finally did it. i figure this way i'll see how i feel about it in a couple of weeks. if i feel ok with letting "those people" creep, see, talk about, comment on my life then i will activate it & not worry about them.   but right now what i really want to do, because i really do love facebook, is delete all of them and only keep my real life family & friends.

we'll see if i have withdraws or anything. and if you're reading these last sentences, thank you for hanging in through my rant. maybe back to happiness & yellow walls tomorrow. this whole teething kid, ER visits, missing grandma, not sleeping more than a couple hours at a time thing is draining me & my happy. but it'll be better soon. after the molars come in. i think i'll go clean the kitchen & bake a cake. or just take a nap.

mathew

MRI results:

small tear inbetween L4 & L5

sucky place for it. specially for someone who does manual labor for a living. for someone who drives a tractor or a semi-truck nearly every day. but nothing to be done about it until it tears. they want to give him cortisone shots to help with the pain & steroid shots to see if it'll help it heal itself. when it tears all the way, then they can do surgery. i'm not crazy about that. so i've been online doing research. thinking of doing a detox. eating raw foods. maybe even juicing like on Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. this movie is on Netflix watch instantly section. i totally recommend you take the time to watch it.



i don't think i could go 60 days. mathew wants to do a 10 day juice fast. we're getting ready for it. i might do a 5 day one Mathew though, is desperate for some relief. I'm also working on cutting refined sugar out of our diet. going to use a stevia mixture instead.

this morning we went to the ER again. Mathew woke up with the same pain from last monday. but up higher too. and stronger. it scared him. he drove himself to the ER and i called his mother to come watch the kids. again. they ran the same tests & some more. they also did some x-rays.. his kidneys & other organs are fine. no problems. they think it might be Musculo-Skeletal. they don't know what to think, they just know, or say they know he's not in danger from anything major organ damage.

Isabella

last thursday Isabella had her 15 month check up!

the office we used to go to was umm... blown away, destroyed... is gone. May 22nd Tornado. so glad it was on a Sunday, it was bad but it could've been so much worse. now when you go to joplin and you're on "the edge" of the destruction area it looks like... well, you know when you go to the beach and you see buildings but nothing behind them, that's when you know the beach is just right there! well, this is what joplin looks like. everything's there around the outside, but the middle, is just gone. when you're at the edge of it it looks like the world ends just past that building. i guess for so many it probably felt/feels/seems that way.

her doctor is at a temporary location. it's nice to see everyone come together. so many donations. one of the things in the rooms we were waiting in was this book. pretty sure we need it. lol

she got a couple of shots, but also a sucker and a goose? duck? swan? whatever it is she calls it "da da" which is her version of "quack quack" {can you tell i'm a farmer's wife? cause i am. i should know farm animal species right?}

doctor said, "she'll be 5'8, maybe 5'9" what?!! that's like another person taller than me! ok a "little person" but still! {I'm 4'8 if you didn't know}

the doctor looked in her mouth & said, "whoa! all 4 molars at the same time! that's one way to do it!" one of them has come through, the other 3 are on the brink.. The doctor said, "feel free to give her tylenol if she has trouble sleeping or anything". i didn't. i don't. i hate giving her things if she's not miserable. if she's not complaining or acting like it bothers her then she'll be ok without it. i do give her  popsicles, and wash rags and things to chew on. she's been sleeping ok. not too cranky, but last night. last night was a little rough.

12:30am-
fake crying. the crying that you know is just to get attention. the "crying" she does with just her voice, no tears, no actual crying. i pick her up change her we diaper. love her for a few minutes. i put her and her teddy back in bed. i hear her talk and sing over the monitor for a bit then we both fall back asleep.

1:38am-
horrible ear screeching crying. as i jump out of bed & run downstairs i think "crap she fell out of her crib! but how?!". her leg is stuck. in the last slat. the one that's the part of the dresser that's attached to her crib. i "save" her. she's screaming. her shin has a dent in it & some of the skin looks like it's been peeled off. it's a little purple, but no blood. no broken leg. i take her to mine & mathew's bed because i need to get her ice. he holds her and calms her down while i get the ice. he's a great daddy. i put ice on it, once she's feeling better she starts standing up on the bed, wanting to smack us, sing, talk, etc. so i tell her it's night time, bed time. she can do that in her own bed if she'd like but the rest of us are sleeping. i put her and her teddy back in bed. i hear her talk and sing over the monitor for a bit then we both fall back asleep.

5:41am-
fake crying again. i'm exhausted. i go to her room. climb up into her crib and lay with her. she tries to go back to sleep. but she's hungry. her mollars hurt her. we get up. she eats a banana, a couple of graham crackers and has some water. AND SOME TYLENOL. i put her and her teddy back in bed {with the water on the dresser where she can reach it}. i hear her talk and sing over the monitor for a bit then we both fall back asleep.

mathew

yes, mathew with one 't'.
my mathew.

ok, isabella's pretty much stolen him from me right now but he's still mine.

he's been having a bit of a hard time lately.
you see, my guy has got some back problems.

this is a long one! so make sure you have a few minutes!

a few years ago he was doing something, can't remember exactly what it was right now but he hurt his back. i don't think that it was anything major, just you know, normal stuff. normal farmer stuff. which probably isn't the stuff most people refer to as normal at all. anyway the pain was almost unbearable. he went to the chiropractor & was told he more than likely suffered a slipped disk.


"Although they do not actually "slip," a disk may split or rupture. This can cause the disk cartilage and nearby tissue to fail (herniate), allowing the inner gel portion of the disk to escape into the surrounding tissue. This leaking jelly-like substance can place pressure on the spinal cord or on an adjacent nerve to cause symptoms of pain either around the damaged disk or anywhere along the area controlled by that nerve.

The layman's term "slipped disk" is, therefore, a misnomer and actually refers to a condition whereby portions of an abnormal, injured, or degenerated disk have protruded against adjacent nerve tissues. This condition is also known as a herniated disk, ruptured disk, or prolapsed disk.. The most frequently affected area is in the low back, but any disk can rupture, including those in the neck."

{via emedicinehealth}

a while ago, it was after i had isabella so less than a year ago. i got a call from his mom.

"we need to you to bring the tahoe here mathew's been hurt"

i like to think that i'm usually pretty cool under pressure. except when it comes to bugs or pretty much anything that's not a big deal, then i go overboard. weird.

i just said ok & loaded up the kids & took off. no panicking. no questions asked.

between the first incident & this one the injury seem to bother him about every 6 months. it's like it wouldn't bother him at all and then one little thing, like bouncing around in a tractor or a semi truck would flare it up again.

this time i got there & he was sitting in a chair bent over unable to straighten back up.

he was unclogging the hay mower {?? i think ??} & when he went to stand back up the pain just hit him & he fell to the ground. normally his phone would be out of his pocket in the tractor. this time God had kept him from doing that so it was there when he needed it. there's no telling how long he would've been laying there if he hadn't had it on him. God is awesome isn't He?!

mathew called his dad, told him to come get him because his back hurt & he was going home. click.

dad, not knowing how bad this was decided to take mathew's truck to the field.

mathew's monster truck.

the one with the step that's at my face.

though i know i'm challenged in the height area. here'd a good picture of our height difference

when dad got there they tried to get him into the truck. 

they gave up.

dad wanted to call an ambulance.

but they tried again & got it.

i got there, he got in the tahoe & we headed to the chiropractor.

he's not just our chiropractor, i honestly think we consider him a friend of the family.

mathew had re injured the disk from what he could feel. it would fix it self, but it would take a while.

i think that time mathew was out of commission, off from working for about a month.

for a while after that it seemed his back would get "hurt" every few weeks. not as bad. just a little sensitive. & so he'd take off work as not to hurt it worse or cause any problems. taking off work for a few days is better than being unable to work for a month. 

i love the chiropractor. we both try to go often. him more than me. but it helps me a lot too. i went the whole time i was pregnant with isabella. ribs, hips, everything out of place. about a month and a half, maybe 2 months ago mathew went for an adjustment & Dr Ford told him that it seemed like he'd taken well enough care of it that it felt like it was as good as healed from what he could tell. both mathew & i  had a sense of relief.

the week before the 4th of July mathew came home with a hurt back.

not in agony, just in pain. in a slightly different spot.

enough is enough. he's been working 1/2 days {that's an 8 hour day for a farmer}

Friday Dr Ford scheduled him for an MRI this coming Tuesday afternoon. once he gets the results he'll get to see what we're really dealing with here. he'll see what's wrong.

he'll refer him to a specialist who will let him know what his options are.

there's a good possibility he'll need to have back surgery.

i remember when i had isabella & had to have an emergency c-section, how helpless i felt.

i hated not being able to do my own things.

being told not to bend over, be on my feet too long, or pretty much do anything.

i can't imagine back surgery.

photo - Simplicity by Cara

so i'm asking you.

please.

please pray for him. please pray that the MRI might show that something alternative can be done. or that if he does need back surgery that it fixes it good. so that he doesn't have to go through this again.

please pray for Dr. Ford. for wisdom to make the right diagnosis, the right recommendations.

please pray for us. that we'll be able to budget  our spending with all of this that's going on.

but mostly, i ask that you pray for mathew. that you pray he keeps his spirits up. that he doesn't get depressed, upset, or discouraged. he started to go there when he was hurt for that entire month+.  & can only imagine when you're the head of a household, the "breadwinner", the leader, how hard it must be to need help, to not be able to do your job the way you want to.

thanks so much! i just know that you'll keep him in your thoughts & i'll keep you posted!

kitchen reveal

so... long story short, we live in the house my husband grew up in. his mom's kitchen theme is apples, which means i inherited her dark green wallpaper & light tan walls. not horrible, just too dark green for me. & light tan??! i think my legs blended in with that color. lol

forgot to take "before pics" so here's one of D in it making icing :)

I love red. specially my red Kitchen Aid Mixer. <3

& i KNOW that yellow isn't for everyone.

but i've always wanted a yellow kitchen.

yes that's sunscreen on the counter under the microwave! doesn't everyone keep sunscreen in the kitchen?! ;)

but i didn't just want plain yellow, i wanted a little something....

extra?!

a little something more....

emma?!

how about some pain in the butt stripes?!!

& one with some plates {& a fly swatter} on the wall.

{sorry for the crappy "night pic"}

i feel like maybe it's a little too bright...

but maybe just cause i'm not used to it...

honestly though, i really love it.

it's me.

it's way different than the rest of the house, maybe it needs painted too?!!

one room at a time emma... one room at a time!

it was photographed nice & neat just for you, but soon after i had to put my lovely "new" kitchen to work..

I think all the hard work, late nights, & under my breath cursing was worth the effort. i like it... & since i'm the cook, that's all that matters

{both colors by Sherwin-Williams. the brighter yellow is Cheerful Yellow & the lighter yellow is Fun Yellow}

joplin

I live in Carthage, MO. about 12 miles from Joplin. Joplin is where I go all the time. went there today for a birthday party. thought about going to target or starbuck's afterward but decided to just go home.

View Larger Map

after celebrating my brother's graduation on Saturday & going to the birthday party Sunday afternoon something felt wrong. Mathew doesn't worry about storms. he looks out the window, check's the weather app on his iPhone & that's about it. if he's not home, he rushes home & then doesn't worry about it because he's with us. sweet. but this time I ignored him & turned the TV on. I heard "tornado touched down in Joplin...." then it cut out. I grabbed Douglas & Isabella & told Mathew that we were going downstairs, he of course said ok & kept playing Xbox. I took them to the basement. went back upstairs, grabbed some crackers, a drink, my shoes, my phone & my lap top. turned the tv on. nothing major. a little later I heard Mathew's phone ring. then he came downstairs too. His dad had called to tell him about the tornado in Joplin. We don't have cable, satellite, or anything. we settled for internet & Netflix but we do get local channels. the one we got said where the tornado touched down in joplin. Liz lives close to there. so do A LOT of other people we know. I texted Liz. They're ok. My friend Deb's husband was in his car at a burger place. He's ok but their car was smashed & he got hit by some debri. but nothing major... I went to weather.com. I saw a button that said "streaming tornado coverage live from Joplin, MO". we clicked on it. saw this.

Mathew & I both said "that's not Joplin!.... is it?!" no one was talking, the guy Mike Bettes a storm chaser was walking around trying to see if there was anyone in the damaged cars. every window on the hospital building was broken. some places could only be recognized as a houses because just the foundation was still there.

it WAS Joplin! I almost started crying. The guy, the weather chaser. Mike, he said that he saw people die in front of him. he didn't realize how close they were to it. that he'd never seen anything like this. then, he started crying. 

That's Academy Sports & Outdoors.  Me & the kids were just there last week!

we were planning to go to Chuck E. Cheese's for lunch tomorrow with the Mom's group.

NO damage here but please pray for Joplin, MO. Please pray for Mathew's cousin's grandpa. He was in that hospital in the first picture. and as of right now, we Still haven't heard how he's doing.

I'll keep you updated. Thanks for your prayers.

*update: they found him. he's well. but there are still a lot of people hurting & searching for loved ones.*