our love story [part 1]

After reading Bridget's love story, then Elizabeth's love story Martha & I thought it would be fun to write ours & our husbands' & link up to each other. That was a couple months ago, but i finally started. It'll be in installments & it'll be fun. But fair warning, it's sappy, it happened fast {married within a year}, & i like details so it might be kind of long.

here we go

[people's names have been changed to protect their identity]

Sunday July 11, 2004 at church my best friend {at the time, we'll call her "Brook"} told me that she met a guy that would be *just perfect* for me. One to get me over some guy I had been hung up on. You know, the kind of guy that leads you on when they are around but never actually commits. The guy that will call your phone until he gets you. The guy that expects you to wait on him forever. The heartbreaker. Anyway, I was hung up on this heartbreaker but Brook was tired of seeing me be all melancholy & shiz. I tend to over think things, over analyze, let them affect everything that I do. All conversations led back to the heartbreaker. Brook invited my brother & I to lunch with her family, boyfriend [let's go with "Rob" on this one] & a few other people after the morning church service. She was the pastor's daughter. We went to Maria's in Roger's Arkansas {how in the world do i remember that?!}.

Now don't get lost here: The day before, Brook had gone to Carthage, Missouri with Rob to celebrate his sister's birthday {my now sister-in-law, we'll call her "Tammi"}. At that small party were Tammi's in-laws [my sister-in-law's in-laws, my now in-laws] & her husband's brother-in-law, Mathew. Got it?! Well Brook told me that she had talked to Mathew quite a bit & that he seemed so sweet & nice, the kind of guy that "would treat you like a princess". She said that her & Rob had told him about me because she'd asked if he had a girlfriend & he had said no. Then she asked, "well what kind of girl do you like?!" to which {she said} he replied "a girl like you". GAG!!! This should have been a hint of how shallow she'd become. Anyway, all she wanted was for me to say that it was ok for Rob to give him my number. I told her I'd have to think about it. She wasn't crazy about me being so standoffish about the idea.

We all went our separate ways after lunch. I thought about it.... I mean I needed to get over this guy, & we'd only be talking. I was leaving for college in about a month so... what the heck?! that night at church I told Brook to go ahead & give him my number. She smiled her big happy smile & acted so excited for me.

I expected him to call that same night.
He didn't & I forgot all about it.
Then Monday came and went.
Tuesday July 13th, 2004 at around 9pm my phone rang with an unknown number.

"hello?"
"hi, is this Emma?"
"yeah! who's this?!" {i'm rude sometimes. no surprise there huh?}
"Mathew, Brook gave me your number"

THREE hours later my cheeks hurt. I smiled almost the whole time. We just asked each other easy questions. He told me about how he grew up on a farm, I told him about how I didn't know anything about that. I'd moved from California 4 years earlier, still missed it & still went back once a year. We talked about our likes and dislikes. We talked about our beliefs {that's a biggie!}. But most importantly, in the end he told me he'd like to come down and visit me. Take me out on a date. I couldn't say no right? Well, I didn't want to say no. I found my mom & told/asked her about it. She was very surprised, but acted like if I wanted to go for it then she was happy for me. Mostly I think it was because I wasn't all sad looking at that moment.

Mathew & I talked on the phone every night the rest of the week. I'm sure that a couple times I fell asleep on the phone & he probably did too. He worked a ton back then. He made me laugh, made me happy every evening. One night after he'd made me laugh I said, "you're so funny! I love you!" then I gasped. I didn't mean that... right? I cared about him already, we'd probably spoken to and knew more about each other than me & some of my closest friends did.... but now it was out there & I almost hyperventilated. Mathew though, didn't miss a beat. He kept the conversation going because he knew I was embarrassed & unsure of what I'd said. It just slipped out!

On Saturday, my mom had to work & I don't remember where my brother was, I think he spent the night with a friend. I woke up early, showered, & fixed my hair. I also took forever trying to decide what to wear. I wanted to look nice, but not too dressy & not like I had tried very hard. I'd talked to this guy for hours & hours the last 4 days but had never met him in person, so I didn't want to over do it but yet wanted to be fabulous. I didn't know exactly what we were doing anyway! It was a long process but in the end I wore a denim skirt that came to my knees, a pink polo & some flip flops. I sat in a chair by the front door & waited.

airline safety

my last post was.....
well.
i don't think it was mean.
it was..... real.
everyone goes through spells like that with people they love so i'm not sorry that i posted it.
mathew read it.
we talked.
and i was right.
...i usually am... [sarcasm..... but not really]
he's unhappy. he's discontent. not satisfied. not present.
he admitted that he's been distant. and a-holey.
he's not happy with his lot in life.
if it were up to him he'd be farming right along side his dad... building up the farm even more.... [or however you would say that, i don't do farm talk]
and as much a you'll hear me say how i can't believe i live out here, how i detest bugs, heat, grass, and pretty much anything outdoorsy. i want him to be doing what he wants to be doing.
and I will do all i can to help.
I've picked up dead turkeys, fallen in turkey poop, gotten turkey guts & poop on my face, driven weird machinery, giant trucks, and even faced my fear of up close contact with cows for this guy.
because it's what he loves.
because it's his life.
but in order for him to be able to do that in the long run, he needs to back away from it right now. just for a bit.
he needs to heal.
but he doesn't want to need to heal.
he hates that this is happening in the first place.
so what does he do?
he isolates himself.
he hides behind mean words and snappy comments.
mostly from me.
we all know by now that i don't put up with unnecessary attitude and hatefulness well... at all. from anyone.
but i'm the last person that he wants seeing him that way. seeing him in his "weak state".  though i don't think of him that way at all. i don't see him that way... in his mind he wants to keep me from thinking of him needing help, not being able to pick up our children, or even bend over sometimes.
and i understand.
i also know that as much as you know what's good for you, what's right from wrong, sometimes your feelings, thoughts, emotions, and fears trump what you should feel and take over.
as much as we talk about him enjoying his time off, enjoying spending time with the kids, helping a little around the house, and just being home he wants to be somewhere else. let me rephrase that. he wants to be ABLE to be somewhere else. and he is... able... but then what... we'll have to call an ambulance one day to come pick him up and take him straight to have back surgery?! no!
back surgery is the last resort. and the cause of what's wrong can't even be fixed by surgery. {details here}
i had postpartum depression after having isabella. so i do understand.
and i also know, and he knows in his head, in his heart that for now... he's just gotta suck it up and live life.
the way it is.
he's gotta take care of himself, be happy with himself, thank God for the life, the people he has. get close to Him. just be happy "within". maybe even taking up a hobby [besides freakin xbox please?! did i tell you that he got invited to join a pro team as an alternate?! that there's a gaming league... what?!! I know! lame-o... but they'd probably say that about walls of yarn and fabric that make my heart flutter] eat right, exercise, stick with the physical therapy.... get good sleep.
LOVE himself.
no one, i don't care who they are, can respect, love or take care of anyone else the proper way [selflessly] if they don't respect, love, or take care of themselves.
it's one of those "airline safety" situations. where you put on your own oxygen masks first before helping those around you. not saying don't help those around you, but rather don't let yourself become faint from lack of oxygen, that you can't be much good to anyone at all.
it'll take time before he's happy again.
but he will be.... even just FINALLY talking about it he seems like he has a load off.
he's a tough nut to crack.
but i think together, we'll be ok.
we'll be great.

good night

this is kind of boring but I'm up so this is what you get. 


I had a good night so far. Get this, BOTH kids were in bed, in their own rooms, fast asleep, by 10:30pm. The last couple of days have been late days up with Isabella, and Douglas was up until midnight the night before because he had a hard time falling asleep for some odd reason. I was so happy that I was finally going to make it to bed before midnight! I went to "Mathew's bathroom", the one with the stand up shower, and walked to the hamper. There I stepped in cold water that soaked through my socks. I got aggravated but threw a dirty towel on it and let it go. I jumped in the shower real quick... A shower is supposed to be relaxing, specially after a day of "bouncing", climbing, and sliding, but my shower didn't last long enough to be relaxing. My hot water didn't last because it was after Douglas' bath & Mathew's shower. Also because all I was thinking about the whole time was just getting to bed. After my shower I got dressed in the bathroom because Mathew was already asleep and  I didn't want to disturb him. I put my glasses on and then went to the other bathroom, my bathroom, the tub only bathroom, or as Douglas likes to call it, "Douglas' bathroom". I needed to brush my teeth, get deodorant and lotion on and everything before bed. When I put lotion on I usually start like in my temple area, last night I did the same thing except I found my glasses there. I went into shock, it was like I didn't realize what happened. lol then I cleaned my glasses up and went to bed. Mathew was in the middle of the bed, not really a big deal, I don't take up a lot of room but the position he was in was weird, he was on his stomach with his left foot stretched out to edge of the bed on his side but his elbow is almost to the edge of the bed on the other side, my side. I slipped into bed, my back toward him which means his elbow was right in the middle of my back. NOT comfortable at all. So I asked him for some room. In his sleep he says "Emma, there is plenty of room". I contemplated going to get the camera to show him proof tomorrow when he's conscious but instead I turned around to face him and laid in the shape of an S so that his elbow didn't even touch me. Despite the cool shower, the lotion, and the elbow I think I was out in about 30 seconds. That was all that mattered; that's what made it, like I said, a good night.