Kindergarten

Douglas graduated preschool last week.
Didn't he just start preschool?!

What am I going to do when he comes home and tells me how some dumb little kid was mean to him?!   I'm not opposed to punching 5 year olds in the face... That's not frowned upon is it?!

And it's not like he hasn't been the mean kid before... sometimes I think that may be just as bad. When YOUR kid is the bully. The one that tells another kid he doesn't like them.. or tells an adult that they have B.O... sigh. Is it that you worry about the kind of person they are becoming. Don't wish for them the pains and lonely lunch eating that accompany the kind of person that lacks a filter? Or is it a selfish thing. An embarrassment. It makes you feel like a bad parent because they haven't learned compassion/self control/manners/the golden rule which are YOUR job to teach them. It makes people think that their actions are a reflection on you and maybe you suck as a person. Maybe you talk smack about others at home. "Privately", you wouldn't DARE say it to them. But after all aren't our kids' personalities an amplification of ours?! It's like holding a mirror up to yourself... I didn't realize how often I put my hands on my hips until Isabella started doing it. Or that I may say bad things about the slow car in front of us... and about the person driving it until Douglas shouted, "hurry up you stupid car!". That Isabella could call her papa a pig because she heard grandma say, "papa is such a pig.." while cleaning up a mess he made [lovingly of course].

Douglas is [for the most part] a teacher's dream; he is usually pretty quiet, kind of shy, listens to instructions, a perfectionist. But will he be too quiet? Will kids look him over and he not have any friends?! Will he get behind in school because he's afraid to ask questions but not afraid to tell the teacher when they say something he thinks is wrong?! ugh.

But again. I think this will be harder on me. I'm being selfish. Though I know that as a parent my job is to ready him to enter the big scary world out there... I don't want to. Can't we just go live in a cave somewhere, just us. Where no one will ever break his heart and he can stay in his childish "why do you have lines on your belly" asking mentality..

But I love that boy. I love the things he loves. He asks how to get to heaven and if I can teach him sometime, when he's ready. He asks so many questions, about cows, grass, things I don't like. But I try to teach him, answer the questions I can about God's love and Michael Jackson. About matching clothes and how you shouldn't be afraid to try new things [even when I am]. I try to teach him about being nice to people, treating your friends and family with love and being considerate. About taking care of himself and how to shower. [we're working on him washing his own body. He has to know the name to EVERY part.. like the elbow pits + knee pits.. also the bankle. That's the back part of your ankle that holds a lot of dirt in the creases when you're running around barefoot. you're welcome for the information, it's free.]

He's a good kid. I think he's ready. He has to be. I have to be. It's happening.

XOXO-
Emma

The way it should be...

I'm going to lose my mind.

I need to keep Douglas occupied so that he doesn't start bleeding out and die. [dramatic much? I don't think so. They cut pieces off of him.] Isabella just wants to be held all day long, she needs constant attention. I know that she takes after me in that way, I like to have attention I wish I didn't but I do need people to like me and be affectionate toward me.

So I think, "okay, all this other crap can wait till tonight after they go to bed or during nap-time." But lately Isabella can't go to sleep without me, without ME being with her. So I lay with her for what feels like an hour, sometimes it IS an hour. By the time she falls asleep it's 9 o'clock and since I've just been laying there I'm super sleepy, if not already passed out with her. I put her in bed with D and it worked fabulous for a while, but she just tries to keep him awake now. During the day we color, play, watch movies/tv [more than we should]. The only things I can do are crocheting, maybe reading, and some online stuff because Isabella can sit on my lap or next to me while I do it.

So things get put off and dishes pile up and laundry overflows. And honestly I just want to throw all the dishes away and get new clothes. I'm also a stress eater so I've gained 20+ pounds in the last two years. I want to do yoga. I want to do my hair. I want to make a nice dinner. I want a freaking shower. I want to sew. I want to have a clean organized home.

But I also want to spend as much time as I can with my children and I want to make memories with them. I want them to remember me as a good mom who didn't take any bull, but also fun. I want them to be happy that let them paint their bedroom walls and I let them paint naked outside and I let them make cookies and make messes and I made cupcakes and things for them. That I took time out and played with them.

I want them to see me as more than just their mom too. As a person, a creative person. A smart person. A pretty girl that doesn't always wear yoga pants. But there is no time for ALL of that. ["Ain't nobody got time for that!"] There's no time for me to play with them AND keep everything picked up and perfect. And if I try to keep everything the way I think it should be I turn into a monster. I want to stab someone if they just breathe or dirty a plate.

So I will learn to embrace the messy. Be comfortable in yoga pants that don't get to do yoga very often and hide the dirty pots and pans and cookie sheets in the oven. At least we made dinner together and decorated some cookies... Even if they were eventually just fed to the dog.

In a a few years I won't know what to do with myself. In a few years I'll wish I could wash their dirty clothes and sleep with them.

But then it'll just be us. it'll be time for us to get to know each other again... for me to pursue anything that I want to. I can travel, go to school, get a job, paint. Anything. But for now I need to just take it a day at a time. I've enjoyed them as babies and toddlers, now Douglas is in preschool and too soon he'll be in kindergarten.. I'll get to enjoy most of it. I'll also get to hate lots of it. No sleep, all the poop, being their taxicab, getting their bad attitude, being talked back to, the eye rolls... Then being left for the career they've dreamed of, the opportunity of a lifetime, for the God that they want to serve, for the pretty girl that he loves & for the boy that steals her heart. They can go be productive, involved members of society. Invent things, write things, learn, teach, achieve. Then all those times I couldn't poop, eat or shower without them will be a blur. And I'll be proud to have been the person that made them who they are. Then they'll live their lives. They'll be on their own. And I can live mine.

[images via here, here, + here]

Tonsilectamies

Yup, more than one. Same family.

Father-Son tonsillectomies.

What I thought would be within a week of each other, then ended up being on the same day.

This would only happen to me right?!

Mathew's was initially scheduled for Wednesday November 28th and Douglas' for Monday December 3rd. Mathew's would've been the day after D's birthday/party [Michael Jackson party?! yes, I'll blog about that soon. Hopefully]. It would have been before The Little Craft Show. So in between me planning/hosting/cleaning up after a party and building my inventory for + traveling to the craft show I've been looking forward to for a year. I would've also had to figure out something for the kids since he would have been recovering from surgery. So... I moved it. To Wednesday December 5th. They do all tonsillectomies on Mondays + Wednesdays. 

So I was prepared, for D's surgery to be on Monday, and M's on Wednesday. Then they called from D's ENT office and said they had to reschedule his to the 5th... I laughed and said of course! Both tonsillectomies would be on Wednesday. Thanks to my wonderful in-laws and some well thought out planning, things went through without a hitch. 

Douglas looked so cute in the gown.

[little boy booty in boxer briefs, need I say more...]

We tried to keep him entertained, and he kept the nurses cracking up. When they asked him if he went by Douglas, Doug or Dougie, he said, "Michael Jackson." And when another nurse asked if she could call him Michael, or Mr. Jackson, he said, "it's Michael Jackson." Ha ha! my kids are a trip.

[clockwise from right: D feeling nervous, D coloring and goofing around with the nurses, and D trying on some of the nurses' latex gloves]

Douglas was taken for a wagon ride.. taken away from me. That was hard.

The doctor came out to talk to me when the surgery was done. She said that he did great and, "his tonsils were huge! And it takes a lot to impress me. They definitely needed to come out". She knew that his dad's tonsil were coming out too. She gave me a hug and said that I probably needed a prescription to get out of the country. Ha! 

The experience of having D go through that was horrible. I hated every minute of it. He was miserable afterward. He hated waking up from the anesthesia and I had to get in bed with him to calm him down. He just wanted it to be over, for the pain and grogginess to go away and go home. I wanted to take his place, make it better.

Thankfully my in-laws kept Isabella for the first 2 nights. Mathew slept, and Douglas threw up most of the day the day of the surgery. He couldn't keep anything down until around 7pm that night. Even now, he's not 100% himself. There's been times when I've had to keep him from running and trying to wrestle the dog. But yesterday was day 3... The notes, the doctors, the nurses, the internet says that day 5-7 will be the worst. That's when the scabs come off and they will be in more pain. The pain is supposed to increase every day til they do come off, then it's supposed to hurt really bad, and then get better. I'm not ok with that. Mathew will be fine, though they say it's worst on adults than on kids. basically, D is making Mathew look like a wimp. I feel a little bad because he's totally getting jipped. I'm taking care of my baby. Mathew is an adult, he'll be fine I'm sure.... Sorry babe.

I think we'll be ok. I think keeping D's mind occupied is probably the best way to keep things going well. We've watched movies, played games, read books & baked + decorated cookies.

Hopefully the rest of the recovery will go on uneventfully. But for now I'm just holding down the fort. 

The Phantom

I used to love taking showers. Well, I still do.
Ever since Douglas was born I kind of hate them.
Well, I love them. But hate them.

When they're babies, the spit up, poop, and sleepiness makes you wish you could shower every half hour.

When they're toddlers you hope to have 10 minutes to just shave your pits and maybe wash your hair.

But what about when they're old enough to be alone for 15-20 minutes and know that you're in the shower if they need to get you? Can you actually enjoy yourself?

That's a big fat NOPE! [no Call of Duty breaks for me]

I don't think that as a mom I'll ever just be able to not think about them. To just be in the moment. At least not for more than a couple minutes. But it only takes 1 minute to scarf down two slices a slice of walmart cheesecake in your car in the parking lot. I live for those minutes. Even though I don't log enough workout time to counteract them...

Right now Douglas will be 5 in November & Isabella is 2 + a 1/2 and showers suck when they're home. Even if they're sound asleep. EVEN if their daddy is home.

Shower time is when the phantom shows up.

The phantom crying, screaming, crashing.
I know that I'm not the only one who hears it. I've asked around.

When D was a baby I swore he cried as soon as I got in the shower. I'd turn the shower off and everything was quiet. Daddy at work, d sound asleep.

Not just during showers though, any loud activity, vacuuming, blow drying my hair... whatever.
It sucks.

I mean, sometimes when Mathew is home I think that I hear a car full of murderers pulling onto our gravel driveway, coming in and killing everyone. I'll come out of the bathroom in a towel only to be shot in the face. ["I shot Marvin in the face!"- name that movie!]

I know it's morbid.
I try to ignore it.
I have a playlist entitled "squeaky clean" for those rare occasion where I can use up all the hot water because the kids are in bed and Mathew is home. I use that time to practice my lip-sync performances with a shampoo bottle. I'm kind of amazing at it.
If there is no music and sometimes even WITH the music and the dancing and shampoo mohawks there's still that fear.

It's like Dexter's dark passenger. I've wondered if it will ever go away.... I think:

"I'm sure it'll get a little easier once I know that they are adults and I've [hopefully] done an ok job raising them. But when they go to school, are they being picked on? Would they tell me? Are they keeping up with the curriculum? Do they wash their hands? Do the other kids ignore them? They're in the backyard but what if a cow goes crazy and runs through the fence to trample them? Did one of them just fall down the stairs? What about when they start driving.. Oh man... I'm starting to hyperventilate. What about when they decide to go explore the world.. When they're in India, or Turkey, or Bolivia, or Tulsa? Will I hear phantom sounds then? Yup... I need some cheesecake."

The Plaid Giraffe

so this guy started preschool last week.

The back pack was a toss up between Sonic, superheros, and Mario.

Mario Kart is his fave thing right now. maybe the fact that him playing video games is so limited helps make it special. [y'all know how much I love video games.]

He went to bed early, laid out his clothes, set out his back pack, asked for cupcakes for breakfast.

We were all very excited.

He didn't care that I dropped him off. He didn't even think about telling me goodbye.

I'm not gonna lie, I did mind him blowing me off a little. But mostly I was happy for him.

When he ventures out, confident, happy + ready to take on the world on his own, I feel like I've done my job so far. Not a perfect job mind you. But I do feel validated.

I took the time he was in school to myself and went to target, dropped off donations at Goodwill, enjoyed some Starbucks, + got the grocery shopping done. The most exciting part of the morning was picking him up from school. I couldn't wait to hear all about it.

To my disappointment all I got out of him was that he loved school. LOVED it. And he got to use scissors, play outside, + eat a snack. He's the kind of kid that tells me nothing, then one days teaches me something new and I'm all, "where did you learn that?!" To which he responds with, "school!" "sunday school." or "Curious George."

We tried to keep the special day going. Mathew had lunch waiting for us when we got home. Fried rice + fish sticks! Then He played Mario Kart while I put groceries away and Isabella napped.

over all I'd say he'll have a good memory of that whole day.

I shopped for like 4 hours. I was tired. So... dinner needed to be easy. I made french bread pizzas. super easy and quick. Great for busy days. [detailed steps below]

1. purchase bread, cheese, toppings. You can also buy some pizza sauce or check out my recipe for a super easy one here. [sauce hint* no need to simmer if you don't feel like it. just mix ingredients well and it's ready to go!]
2. slice bread in half, spread pizza sauce on.
3. add your toppings.
4. bake at 375 for 15 minutes
5. cut into slices. I like to use a big chopping knife and just rock it across so that I don't burn my fingers. [does that make sense?]
6. [not pictured] eat your heart out.

you can make a side salad or whatever you'd like. It's quite popular around here.

You're welcome!

After dinner we flew kites.

Douglas has gotten the hang of it and can even keep up with his daddy.

They BOTH also would like y'all to know that they flew the kites to the end of their string. [pictured below... they're pros.

good day indeed.

thanksgiving morning

Thursday [Thanksgiving Day] 1am.

I had made a giant pan of mac & cheese the night before. I had the oven set to heat up at 9:45. We had to leave the house at 11 to be at Mathew's mom's side of the family's Thanksgiving thing by 12. but I couldn't sleep. I laid there, checked my email, facebook. Showered, laid there, checked my email, facebook, twitter, angry birds, laid there. FINALLY fell asleep [I'd say around 3am].

At 5am Douglas came in and over to my side of the bed crying "I'm all wet!! my clothes are wet! Oh no! I gotta poop! I'm gonna poop! Oh no!" I take his pee clothes off and rush him to the toilet. Diarrhea. Nasty, super stinky, doesn't appear to have an end diarrhea. ugh. I went back to bed while pooped. He yelled for me to get him a book. I told him to just sit there & to call me when he was done. I surprisingly was still partially asleep. "I'm done!!" got him some clean underwear & shorts, and then I let him go back to sleep in our bed.

At 7am I almost fell off the bed so I switched ends, praying mathew wouldn't kick me in the face.

8:45am [ish] - Douglas- "mommy! it's wake up time! I'm hungry!" I make him stay in bed, we're sleeping in as long as we can! 

9:45am - "Come on MOM!!" ugh. I got him some food and some for Isabella while I was at it. Then checked the oven, not heated to 350 yet. I went down stairs to get Isabella who I heard waking up. Douglas ran down the stairs with me. We opened the door & the smell that hit us was disgusting. "mom! I think Isabella pooped" It was dark [basement bedroom] so I asked D to turn the lights on "NO! I'm getting out of here!" Then She started the grunt/cry wanting me to hold her, but I turned on the light because I wanted to see what I was messing with. I was horrified. 

This is how her bed looked. But her back was covered in it. head to toe. When Douglas was pooping at 5am I heard her let out a cry. nothing alarming I assumed she did it in her sleep. Now I think that's when her butt exploded. 

Mathew started the bathtub, I cleaned her up without puking. Although I guess I did a little in my mouth. I had the gagging, the watery eyes, all that! I dressed her and Douglas then headed downstairs to clean up her shiz. literally. I threw her sheet's & pillows away. She's in love with puppies and stole D's pillows my grandma made him that have dogs on them, those weren't bad so I threw them, the blanket, her clothes & the doll in the washer. 

10:45- luckily Mathew had remembered the mac & cheese & took care of it. I on the other hand only had 15 minutes to get ready. I wasn't even wearing pants, just a shirt. I threw on my "back up dress" and we made it there just in time! 

Can't wait to tell her boyfriends about the [hopefully only] time her butt exploded.

Isabella

last thursday Isabella had her 15 month check up!

the office we used to go to was umm... blown away, destroyed... is gone. May 22nd Tornado. so glad it was on a Sunday, it was bad but it could've been so much worse. now when you go to joplin and you're on "the edge" of the destruction area it looks like... well, you know when you go to the beach and you see buildings but nothing behind them, that's when you know the beach is just right there! well, this is what joplin looks like. everything's there around the outside, but the middle, is just gone. when you're at the edge of it it looks like the world ends just past that building. i guess for so many it probably felt/feels/seems that way.

her doctor is at a temporary location. it's nice to see everyone come together. so many donations. one of the things in the rooms we were waiting in was this book. pretty sure we need it. lol

she got a couple of shots, but also a sucker and a goose? duck? swan? whatever it is she calls it "da da" which is her version of "quack quack" {can you tell i'm a farmer's wife? cause i am. i should know farm animal species right?}

doctor said, "she'll be 5'8, maybe 5'9" what?!! that's like another person taller than me! ok a "little person" but still! {I'm 4'8 if you didn't know}

the doctor looked in her mouth & said, "whoa! all 4 molars at the same time! that's one way to do it!" one of them has come through, the other 3 are on the brink.. The doctor said, "feel free to give her tylenol if she has trouble sleeping or anything". i didn't. i don't. i hate giving her things if she's not miserable. if she's not complaining or acting like it bothers her then she'll be ok without it. i do give her  popsicles, and wash rags and things to chew on. she's been sleeping ok. not too cranky, but last night. last night was a little rough.

12:30am-
fake crying. the crying that you know is just to get attention. the "crying" she does with just her voice, no tears, no actual crying. i pick her up change her we diaper. love her for a few minutes. i put her and her teddy back in bed. i hear her talk and sing over the monitor for a bit then we both fall back asleep.

1:38am-
horrible ear screeching crying. as i jump out of bed & run downstairs i think "crap she fell out of her crib! but how?!". her leg is stuck. in the last slat. the one that's the part of the dresser that's attached to her crib. i "save" her. she's screaming. her shin has a dent in it & some of the skin looks like it's been peeled off. it's a little purple, but no blood. no broken leg. i take her to mine & mathew's bed because i need to get her ice. he holds her and calms her down while i get the ice. he's a great daddy. i put ice on it, once she's feeling better she starts standing up on the bed, wanting to smack us, sing, talk, etc. so i tell her it's night time, bed time. she can do that in her own bed if she'd like but the rest of us are sleeping. i put her and her teddy back in bed. i hear her talk and sing over the monitor for a bit then we both fall back asleep.

5:41am-
fake crying again. i'm exhausted. i go to her room. climb up into her crib and lay with her. she tries to go back to sleep. but she's hungry. her mollars hurt her. we get up. she eats a banana, a couple of graham crackers and has some water. AND SOME TYLENOL. i put her and her teddy back in bed {with the water on the dresser where she can reach it}. i hear her talk and sing over the monitor for a bit then we both fall back asleep.

take a walk

I love taking walks with this guy....

he loves to explore...

this is just beyond the barbwire fence north of our house. from here we can walk to the turkey buildings...

the river if we wanted to...

if I wanted to pass out & have to call someone to pick us up.

we don't go very far because our exploratory journeys usually take place during one of isabella's naps or later in the day if daddy gets home early so he can stay with her {but her monitor works really good so no worries}. she's not walking yet & she weighs about 30 lbs... I can barely keep up with D, much less carrying 30lbs of cute baby. besides, I enjoy the walk as much ad D does.

I love this tree.

 I know it's dead but it looks pretty cool. struck by lightning I assume?!

down this hill there's usually some cows to the north, a creek tho the west and the hwy to south.

so we head south, out of the "woods" & into a field. 

during this whole time what's his favorite thing to look for?

lizards? snakes? grasshoppers? nope.

lady bugs.

he's got jars of them.

in my house.

he's discovered that they like tomato plants & sunflowers so I've had to teach him how to walk around the plants in the garden, not just straight through them.

then we go east, up the hill

& head home sweet home... 

going up that hill is exhausting by the way. thank God for "look there's a lady bug!" breaks ;)

if it's not one thing it's another

all weekend I've been thinking I might bleed to death. being a girl, with girl problems is a pain. literaly. I've felt useless. paged my doc, because everything has to happen on the weekend, & he helped me feel a little less "freaked out". still gotta call him on Monday to follow up though..

now this:

swollen eyes. stuffed/runny nose. clingy. allergies? a cold because of this crazy weather? who knows.

she's a cuddle bug & I'm kind of incapable of doing anything that takes more than 10 or 15 minutes. that is if I can get 10 or 15 minutes without having to wipe a nose, butt, feed someone, eat something so I don't pass out, or clean up a mess. I don't mind. cuddling with this one is one of my favorite things to do. she's beautiful. she's almost one. unbelievable. the only thing I regret, is being in the middle of "spring cleaning". I have stuff out. just out. because I was organizing. now it's just out there. a picture is leaning against the wall in the hallway, just looking at me. wondering why i took it down 4 days ago & haven't done anything with it. sheets need to be put away, things need to be organized, cleaned. I was half way done with the upstairs. now I'll have to start over. weird thing is. I'm kind of looking forward to it. I also want to plant a small garden (D's idea). who by the way is the best child ever. he's a great helper. a great brother. my favorite little boy.

I've read the next 2 chapters in Created To Be A Help Meet, just haven't had a chance to type up my commentary for you. I will though. I promise. it's just kinda difficult with a1 yr old pounding on the keyboard!

focus

I love making things.. all sorts of thing.
I'm very crafty.
my friends & I started Created to sell some of our items.
I'm all over the place. if it looks easy & cute, I can make it!
because I love making cakes also I have a branch of Created named babe.E.cakes.

My friend Jenni told me that I need to pick a focus group. I need to know who I'm targeting & what I want to sell. but I like to do everything. everything!

but she's right.

I've decided to focus on "kid's accessories & mommy must-haves!"

I will offer things like:

this bag handle by make it and love it. Now that I've got 2 kids this is a "mommy must-have"

crayon rolls

tutus, hats, bows

quilts

& capes. definitely capes

I will also satisfy my "learn how to do everything" craving by making myself things & custom orders for the previously mentioned Jenni & you if you'd like. 

for babe.E.cakes I will focus on kid's parties. examples here & here. but again will also do custom orders for other events as well.

it's gonna be great! :)

Cool

"his name is Cool, & he's beautiful." - Douglas

happy family right?! well, afterward Mathew & I got into a huge snowball fight. mathew put snow down the back of my pants while I was bending over. then he knocked me down and dragged me on my back so that the snow would pile into my pants. I didn't do anything to deserve it! nothing I didn't throw snow balls in his face. I didn't knock his sun glasses down and lose them in the snow. I didn't knock him down & rub snow in his face. none of that ;)