The Phantom

I used to love taking showers. Well, I still do.
Ever since Douglas was born I kind of hate them.
Well, I love them. But hate them.

When they're babies, the spit up, poop, and sleepiness makes you wish you could shower every half hour.

When they're toddlers you hope to have 10 minutes to just shave your pits and maybe wash your hair.

But what about when they're old enough to be alone for 15-20 minutes and know that you're in the shower if they need to get you? Can you actually enjoy yourself?

That's a big fat NOPE! [no Call of Duty breaks for me]

I don't think that as a mom I'll ever just be able to not think about them. To just be in the moment. At least not for more than a couple minutes. But it only takes 1 minute to scarf down two slices a slice of walmart cheesecake in your car in the parking lot. I live for those minutes. Even though I don't log enough workout time to counteract them...

Right now Douglas will be 5 in November & Isabella is 2 + a 1/2 and showers suck when they're home. Even if they're sound asleep. EVEN if their daddy is home.

Shower time is when the phantom shows up.

The phantom crying, screaming, crashing.
I know that I'm not the only one who hears it. I've asked around.

When D was a baby I swore he cried as soon as I got in the shower. I'd turn the shower off and everything was quiet. Daddy at work, d sound asleep.

Not just during showers though, any loud activity, vacuuming, blow drying my hair... whatever.
It sucks.

I mean, sometimes when Mathew is home I think that I hear a car full of murderers pulling onto our gravel driveway, coming in and killing everyone. I'll come out of the bathroom in a towel only to be shot in the face. ["I shot Marvin in the face!"- name that movie!]

I know it's morbid.
I try to ignore it.
I have a playlist entitled "squeaky clean" for those rare occasion where I can use up all the hot water because the kids are in bed and Mathew is home. I use that time to practice my lip-sync performances with a shampoo bottle. I'm kind of amazing at it.
If there is no music and sometimes even WITH the music and the dancing and shampoo mohawks there's still that fear.

It's like Dexter's dark passenger. I've wondered if it will ever go away.... I think:

"I'm sure it'll get a little easier once I know that they are adults and I've [hopefully] done an ok job raising them. But when they go to school, are they being picked on? Would they tell me? Are they keeping up with the curriculum? Do they wash their hands? Do the other kids ignore them? They're in the backyard but what if a cow goes crazy and runs through the fence to trample them? Did one of them just fall down the stairs? What about when they start driving.. Oh man... I'm starting to hyperventilate. What about when they decide to go explore the world.. When they're in India, or Turkey, or Bolivia, or Tulsa? Will I hear phantom sounds then? Yup... I need some cheesecake."

back surgery [part 2 of 2]

[here's part 1]

That first night was rough. He had to be checked on every 30 minutes. I hardly got any sleep. He was in a lot of pain.

The next day they said that they wanted to get him up and trying to walk... um, no. You just cut his spine apart.

But they did. So I left. I knew he'd prefer for me not to be there and I did too. I went home to check on the kids, eat something + shower.

That afternoon they had him walking again.

They did it twice everyday.

. 

it got a little easier every time.

We were there for almost 5 days. but he had cable + I watched the United States of Tara on my iphone. Thank heaven for hospital wifi! at least we had a nice view.

That runs through the middle of the hospital, so you can see it from most of the patient's rooms.

Bonnie + Clyde live there.

they were very entertaining. Clyde follows her around strutting his stuff all day. She ignores him.

that Friday they made sure he could go up & down steps.
then told him to go home.
just like that. 

it snowed that day.
I was scared.
getting him in the truck + out of the truck, it all sucked.
+ the ice & snow made me nervous for him.

He slowly got better at home. He felt more comfortable. He'd use his walker & go sit with the kids & I as long as he could. 

.

As you can see, that's also the time D decided that he would wear all his shirts backwards. He said he liked them that way.

I coped, with yoga,

... and the occasional slip out after bed time, tell Billy to keep an ear out of his DAMN headphones for a while a lone drive to walmart time. I MAY have bought a personal cheesecake and stuff a piece in my mouth with my hands like a starving person... in the parking lot. AND sit in the Starbucks parking lot crying with scones + coffee + hot chocolate + a very dear friend who will never know how grateful I am for her. [yeah, i'm not ashamed, I made it through, + I got to stuff my face!]

We went to his check ups + tried to do everything right.
At least I did.
He fell about 2 weeks after his surgery.
It's what happens when you don't listen to the lady of the house & do things the wrong way. of course it was the first time I left him home. The kids were at grandma's + I was throwing a baby shower for a friend. Billy was supposed to be at home to help just in case, but he was playing xbox and wearing head phones. those damn headphones. [yes, I used the word damn. when it comes to gaming headphones, I'm allowed to.] So Mathew laid there, had to get himself up. I checked on him on my way from my mother in law's to the shower location. I told his doctor. He had xrays done. We were practically back to square one, but he didn't hurt anything. It was a major set back. 
But he learned his lesson

While he healed, he had visitors, 

and played video games. He longed to be able to walk to the mailbox, then graduated to driving, and everything.

His last appointment was July 11th.

"CT looks awesome! You can't hurt anything now, just no sky diving or anything like that. No lifting more than 50lbs. But I'd say you can go back to work. Do what you feel comfortable doing."

That' what his doctor said! YAY!! He was so excited. But he's gotta ease into it. Things will eventually get back to "normal". I just don't think that it's happening fast enough for him.
boys.