The Phantom

I used to love taking showers. Well, I still do.
Ever since Douglas was born I kind of hate them.
Well, I love them. But hate them.

When they're babies, the spit up, poop, and sleepiness makes you wish you could shower every half hour.

When they're toddlers you hope to have 10 minutes to just shave your pits and maybe wash your hair.

But what about when they're old enough to be alone for 15-20 minutes and know that you're in the shower if they need to get you? Can you actually enjoy yourself?

That's a big fat NOPE! [no Call of Duty breaks for me]

I don't think that as a mom I'll ever just be able to not think about them. To just be in the moment. At least not for more than a couple minutes. But it only takes 1 minute to scarf down two slices a slice of walmart cheesecake in your car in the parking lot. I live for those minutes. Even though I don't log enough workout time to counteract them...

Right now Douglas will be 5 in November & Isabella is 2 + a 1/2 and showers suck when they're home. Even if they're sound asleep. EVEN if their daddy is home.

Shower time is when the phantom shows up.

The phantom crying, screaming, crashing.
I know that I'm not the only one who hears it. I've asked around.

When D was a baby I swore he cried as soon as I got in the shower. I'd turn the shower off and everything was quiet. Daddy at work, d sound asleep.

Not just during showers though, any loud activity, vacuuming, blow drying my hair... whatever.
It sucks.

I mean, sometimes when Mathew is home I think that I hear a car full of murderers pulling onto our gravel driveway, coming in and killing everyone. I'll come out of the bathroom in a towel only to be shot in the face. ["I shot Marvin in the face!"- name that movie!]

I know it's morbid.
I try to ignore it.
I have a playlist entitled "squeaky clean" for those rare occasion where I can use up all the hot water because the kids are in bed and Mathew is home. I use that time to practice my lip-sync performances with a shampoo bottle. I'm kind of amazing at it.
If there is no music and sometimes even WITH the music and the dancing and shampoo mohawks there's still that fear.

It's like Dexter's dark passenger. I've wondered if it will ever go away.... I think:

"I'm sure it'll get a little easier once I know that they are adults and I've [hopefully] done an ok job raising them. But when they go to school, are they being picked on? Would they tell me? Are they keeping up with the curriculum? Do they wash their hands? Do the other kids ignore them? They're in the backyard but what if a cow goes crazy and runs through the fence to trample them? Did one of them just fall down the stairs? What about when they start driving.. Oh man... I'm starting to hyperventilate. What about when they decide to go explore the world.. When they're in India, or Turkey, or Bolivia, or Tulsa? Will I hear phantom sounds then? Yup... I need some cheesecake."

sleeps

Douglas was a couple months old in that one.

if he's tired that boy can sleep anywhere.

thought I'd share some of my favorite candid sleep moments with you. enjoy. be jealous. I am. even though he even includes others in his naps sometimes.

but mostly it's when he's on his own & we haven't heard from him in a while.

good night

this is kind of boring but I'm up so this is what you get. 


I had a good night so far. Get this, BOTH kids were in bed, in their own rooms, fast asleep, by 10:30pm. The last couple of days have been late days up with Isabella, and Douglas was up until midnight the night before because he had a hard time falling asleep for some odd reason. I was so happy that I was finally going to make it to bed before midnight! I went to "Mathew's bathroom", the one with the stand up shower, and walked to the hamper. There I stepped in cold water that soaked through my socks. I got aggravated but threw a dirty towel on it and let it go. I jumped in the shower real quick... A shower is supposed to be relaxing, specially after a day of "bouncing", climbing, and sliding, but my shower didn't last long enough to be relaxing. My hot water didn't last because it was after Douglas' bath & Mathew's shower. Also because all I was thinking about the whole time was just getting to bed. After my shower I got dressed in the bathroom because Mathew was already asleep and  I didn't want to disturb him. I put my glasses on and then went to the other bathroom, my bathroom, the tub only bathroom, or as Douglas likes to call it, "Douglas' bathroom". I needed to brush my teeth, get deodorant and lotion on and everything before bed. When I put lotion on I usually start like in my temple area, last night I did the same thing except I found my glasses there. I went into shock, it was like I didn't realize what happened. lol then I cleaned my glasses up and went to bed. Mathew was in the middle of the bed, not really a big deal, I don't take up a lot of room but the position he was in was weird, he was on his stomach with his left foot stretched out to edge of the bed on his side but his elbow is almost to the edge of the bed on the other side, my side. I slipped into bed, my back toward him which means his elbow was right in the middle of my back. NOT comfortable at all. So I asked him for some room. In his sleep he says "Emma, there is plenty of room". I contemplated going to get the camera to show him proof tomorrow when he's conscious but instead I turned around to face him and laid in the shape of an S so that his elbow didn't even touch me. Despite the cool shower, the lotion, and the elbow I think I was out in about 30 seconds. That was all that mattered; that's what made it, like I said, a good night.

FINALLY!!

I haven't written in a couple of days because (drum roll please!) I got some sleep! good sleep. Now I feel exhausted, kinda like I got too much sleep. HA HA guess its better than not getting enough. 


Also, Monday at around 11:50am I got a contraction that lasted about a minute. Then an hour later I got another one, then so on for 6 hours! every hour lasting about a minute. At 7 I felt one and it was a little stronger than the previous ones but only lasted about 20-30 seconds. Then the same thing at around 8, then 9, 10, and 11!!! I took a quick shower (no hair washing) to relax before i tried to sleep I figured one night of good sleep would probably be all i was allowed to enjoy. I went to bed a little after 12 & actually fell asleep. Mathew had just gotten home so he stayed up watching a little tv. He hates coming home, eating, showering and going to bed, just to do it again the next day. I would too. I woke up around 2 to pee but didn't feel any contractions. Then woke up around 4:30, the same. Then didn't wake up til 8!!! =) talk about bliss! then I just laid in bed for another hour or so. Guess what?! No contractions. if this is any indication of what having a girl will be like, which I've been terrified of anyway, I will be (hope I don't offend you)... pretty much screwed. So far, having a girl is a pain. i never thought I'd be this pregnant! some one please help me! Docs appointment is tomorrow at 10am so I'll keep you posted! have a good day!


Oh! me & D picked some flowers today! they smell wonderful!