facebook

no, i'm not missing.

you didn't get "unfriended" {at least not yet}

i've been thinking about it for a while & finally decided to give it a go.

i deactivated my Facebook account.

i don't miss it yet. i actually feel, relieved. a load off. deadpan.

i read this post and then this one. the 2nd one is really neither here nor there with me though I guess, because I don't have a big following {at least not yet} or super successful shop {at least not yet}.

but even before that, i thought about it.

first off - 
what Kerri calls "the surface, shallow friendships". there are some people i'm "friends" with on there that i haven't seen or talked to in a LONG time {not even on facebook} & they live in the same town. it's not just their fault. i don't reach out either. though honestly i think i put more effort into friendships than most. i haven't had close friends since... well none in high school, i seemed to be too conservative for my high school class. I did have great church friends but only saw them once a week or so and couldn't really share my whole "life" with them you have to be in high school to understand it.. the only friends i did have were adults. mom & dad like to me. those people, those friends, though older than me are still my friends. they live either in central Arkansas {5+ hours away from me} or in Bolivia {a different world}. so when i meet someone that i really want to be friends with i take the time to get to know them, call them, text them, be there for them.

Kalyn was my last "real" friend. i met her my first day working at a bank in Northwest Arkansas, the day before she had her daughter. I had Douglas a year later... IN NORTH CAROLINA. Kalyn puts up with me.  when mathew & i had some "issues" a few years back, Kalyn's house was open to me at 3am when i thought running away was the only way to get my act together. she was also the one that said "maybe you should go home". we have the same kind of humor, that's a very important trait in a friend..... since we live far away from eachother we don't talk as much. we're there for the major & can "pick up where we left off" any time.

honestly, i think my honesty, my way of thinking scares people off. I'm not one to push my believes in a way to make you feel uncomfortable or inadequate. i know that most people feel completely comfortable to be themselves and speak their mind around me and i should feel the same right?! I have made a couple of friends lately. I love them, they're great. they're REAL friends.

second-
bragging. why do people feel the need to brag about everything they have/own/do. specially the "i just got a mani-pedi, going to eat at the most expensive place in the world then shopping for $6,000.00 bags... 2 of them!" every freakin day. i have to admit, some of it is me. oh the jealousy. i'm usually a very simple gal. don't wear much make up, keep my hair pretty plain. like cute comfy clothes {dresses with pockets!!}. i love a good bargain. but then when i see people like THAT & i'm like, well maybe i should try harder, why don't i look like that, why isn't my husband buying me stuff like that. why aren't WE in debt up to our eyeballs?! oh right because it's stupid & so not me.

now that i'm a mom, the moms on there really "grind my gears" {name that show!} "my baby never cries, breastfeeding is so easy if you don't do it you're a whimp, i make the bed everyday, my house is spotless and i just cooked a 5 course lunch, gotta get started on dinner while my wonderful children play without fighting & making messes!" what thuh?! no one believes that, all you're doing is telling people like me that you don't think we're as good as you. you ma'am can go eat your 5 course meal while i unfriend you. and at the same time i question my decisions as a parent, look at my house and want to run away, go eat a tub of ice cream because as much as i don't want it to, it still gets to me.

third-
me. i seem to cause some problems. i'm the girl that gets called into the principal's office for making someone cry. not just for fun, but in defense of someone else or my beliefs. i hate bullies, i hate when people criticize everything. specially on facebook. it's like hey, if i like fishing, my profile will probably be loaded with fishing pics, you don't like fishing?? fine but you don't have to ramble about how you don't like my pictures & fishing is cruel or whatever people say. i don't like fishing. lol

lastly-
unfriending. i've narrowed down my list from like 400 to 206. i keep family members & REAL friends, ones that i interact with at least on facebook. but there are those 30 or so that i feel if i remove them i'll hear something. they'll talk crap about me. they'll get together & say, "what a jerk!" which i guess i can be sometimes. or they'll think i'm trying to hide something. the people who aren't my friends but still creep on my facebook page. i DO post often. a lot actually. i like to. i also like to keep my friends & family updated on Mathew & the kids. i have no family less than 1.5 hours away. & most of it is atleast 18-26 hours away. facebook is a means to keep tabs on each other. to see our cousins & what they're up to, to see pictures of our kids & can't believe how long it's been since we used to have sleepovers. it's nice. but those other people, the s*** talkers {can you tell i'm getting a bit aggravated?}, the fake smilers, the oh "i love you're new dress" sayers {how the heck do you know what my freakin wardrobe is?! this is 5 years old! to which then they say "oh well you haven't worn it in a while!" what?! i don't remember what i wore yesterday!}. THOSE people, the ones i need to unfriend but can't find the guts.... they were the last straw.

so i finally did it. i figure this way i'll see how i feel about it in a couple of weeks. if i feel ok with letting "those people" creep, see, talk about, comment on my life then i will activate it & not worry about them.   but right now what i really want to do, because i really do love facebook, is delete all of them and only keep my real life family & friends.

we'll see if i have withdraws or anything. and if you're reading these last sentences, thank you for hanging in through my rant. maybe back to happiness & yellow walls tomorrow. this whole teething kid, ER visits, missing grandma, not sleeping more than a couple hours at a time thing is draining me & my happy. but it'll be better soon. after the molars come in. i think i'll go clean the kitchen & bake a cake. or just take a nap.