back surgery [part 1 of 2]

Thank you to everyone that's prayed, thought of us, helped, brought meals, took the kids for a while, made me feel loved and wanted, let me cry on your shoulder, hugged me, bought me a drink...
thank you! We couldn't, I couldn't have done it without you.

I'm sorry I haven't updated. I feel like I'm wasting time if I sit down to write, but I've also realized that when I don't speak/write my thoughts & feelings I lose my mind just a little. So, here's the back surgery summary... you know how awesome I am at summarizing things... I just don't. What can I say? I'm wordy.

McCune Brooks Hospital Carthage, MO

Mathew is doing great. great! He was released by his physical therapist [every time I write or say the word therapist I think of it being the-rapist. I have a sick mind like that]. No more physical therapy! Of course he's supposed to still do things on his own. He's been walking a couple miles on the treadmill & cycling about 3 miles a day. Can you believe that?! I told you, he's doing great!!

sitting in the parking lot before going into the hospital for the surgery.

The day of the surgery was rough. I thought I'd prepared for it. They said it could be up to 8 hours long. I had my iPhone & the charger for it. Plus a few things to spend the night. The kids were at home with my mom, we figured they would be more comfortable that way. The pastor at the church we used to frequent was there even before they took Mathew back to surgery. He's the best! Caleb, one of Mathew's best friends was there too! I think that them being there really helped him get his mind off of things and even have a few laughs before they cut him open. When the 3 of us went to his room where he was waiting to get taken back to surgery we all laughed. He had a gown on that inflated, it had temp control... he looked like The Hulk. ha ha!!

At around 10 they told us it was time. I could tell he got nervous. I was nervous. SO many things could happen. It could have been the last time I saw him. He could be allergic to something, they could mess up. They might find something else wrong while they're in there.... I watch Grey's Anatomy people! I'm usually very paranoid in my head, I think of all the things that could go wrong. Usually I ignore them and put my tough face on, this time was no different. I just went through the day and waited.

Thankfully Mathew's mom came & stayed with me. So did his grandparents, and at the end of the day his brother. They helped keep my mind occupied & were all there when he came out of surgery.

That's when I thought I'd lose it. Dr. Ipsen showed me his xrays. they took his spine apart. they cut things out of it and filled it with stuff.... what the heck?! I felt like throwing up just thinking of what they did to him. Thinking about how they cut down his front, moved everything out of the way, then sliced up his spine. Then they flipped him over cut slits in his back, through his skin & muscles and shoved a couple rods & screws into him. HOLY CRAP!

It was almost 8pm when they came and got us so we could finally see him. I kept it together even though I could barely breath with that giant knot in my throat. He looked so... I don't know what word to use. I just know that in that moment I wanted to trade places with him. I wanted to take his pain away, to be the one there. I cant imagine how his mom felt. I can't imagine seeing my son go through that. but she did good, she kept it together too. All he wanted when he saw us was to hold my hand and for his daddy to get there. When his dad got there I could see the same feelings in his face too, but we all held ourselves together for Mathew's sake, for each other's sake. I know that if one of us lost it, all of us would've. I'm pretty sure I said some rude things when his parents started criticizing the way the nurses were doing things... I know that's just what they do, but I was a mess & didn't want to hear it. Everyone eventually had to leave, I can't imagine how hard that must have been for his mom. but I was ready to be alone with him. I made sure he didn't need anything, turned off the lights, then sat in the recliner chair thing in the corner.

Behind that picture was me, hyperventilating... trying not to puke, trying to breath, crying, but trying be quite so that he wouldn't hear. Trying to prepare myself for the next couple of days.

to be continued....

Super Douglas

Douglas had a small birthday party yesterday. He turned 4! 4! I can't believe it! [read his birth story here] He's way into superheros right now so what better than a superhero party?! Here are some of the highlights! 

each guest got a goody bag & balloon along with a custom superhero cape. They also got to decorate their own superhero mask! 

My "fan favorite" chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese icing were a hit. Justice's cupcake eating is my favorite! [bottom left]

Douglas loved ALL his presents. At one point he even exclaimed "BATTERIES!" lol

A few weeks ago Mathew & Billy went out & found him a 3/4 guitar. His reaction says it all.

I think everyone had a good time. Even though in the last couple of weeks time just got away from me & I didn't invite as many people as I wanted to.

But at the end of the the day, this "Wonder Woman" was spent. pooped. exhausted.

Douglas

November 27th, 2007. A Tuesday. 5 days after Thanksgiving. I was 264 days pregnant &I looked a little like this. [taken 15 days before]

Tired & huge.

I felt like I imagine an elephant feels.

When we found out we were expecting Mathew took a job with AWESOME pay & insurance. IN NORTH CAROLINA. Have you ever been to North Carolina? It's beautiful.

I loved it there. I miss it.

I had no close friends or family near by. For me that was actually a good thing because I don't like people watching me, looking at me, judging me when I don't know what I'm doing. And even if they aren't I think they are. I'm very self conscious when doing new things specially, you know... like with a baby! I was going to be a mom. I mean I babysat before but what was I going to do... with a baby?!  I wasn't due for another 16 days. Everything had gone great during the pregnancy, except for a few minor things, like nose bleeds, carpal tunnel, things you wouldn't even think had anything to do with pregnancy.

At my doctor's appointment that morning Dr. Hanson said everything looked great but there was a tiny bit of protein in my urine & that if i didn't go into labor by the next visit [in 1 week] that we would talk about me being induced. He didn't want me to get preclampsia or for the baby to get too big for me.
[reminder, I'm 4ft 8]

Mathew went into work at 11PM the night before, I had my OB appointment first thing in the morning & was going to go get groceries right after it so he decided to just meet me at Walmart when he got off work. I needed him to go with me because I couldn't push the cart. [big belly, short arms]. I couldn't lift things. [big belly, short arms]. AND I wanted to buy everything that looked, sounded or smelled delicious. [no excuse there, I still do that.] We took our time, Mathew had to work that night so we were planning going home, put groceries away, have lunch then he'd go to bed & I'd probably nap too. While walking to the register I felt an ache in my lower back. It was a little different than previous pains so I told Mathew about it & told him I thought that day could be the day. It's a weird feeling. You're scared, nervous, excited, & hungry all at the same time.

We went home & did as we planned except for the sleeping part.  When Mathew asked how I was feeling, I told him I wasn't having contractions but just had a feeling that it was going to happen. He knows that with me those feelings are usually right, so to kill time while he waited for me to go into labor he, of all things, played Xbox. He said he'd play for a little while, then shower, go to bed & we'd see what happened. I went up stairs to our bedroom and started cleaning up. My mom was set to get there on Thursday to help me with anything I needed before the baby came or after. Because of that I was all I gotta make the bed, make sure the trash cans are emptied, etc. I made the bed last. It was dumb because Mathew was just gonna go to bed & ruin it, but I did it anyway. Then as I was walking past our bathroom to go down stairs, I had the weirdest, grossest feeling. I ran to the bathroom, pulled my pants down [by then the only thing i could wear were those gauchos in the picture] & sat on the toilet.

Nope, not diarrhea. My water broke. I sensed when my water was going to break! Yeah, I'm pretty awesome. but I was surprised that it wasn't much. Did I just about pee myself?! It didn't feel like pee! Did I need a pad? I needed to call the doctor right? I called for Mathew. He knew something had happened right away & came running. I asked him to get me a pad just to be safe. I pulled my pants up & called the doctor, but not before Mathew asked if he had time to get in the shower. He did. I grabbed my make up, my phone charger, laid out Mathew's clothes & waited for him. We went downstairs & headed for the door, but as I walked by the downstairs bathroom I had that feeling again. I ran in the bathroom pulled my pants down & sat on the toilet. My water broke again? what's happening?? this time i was a bit late & got my pants a little wet. I didn't care. I needed to have this baby at a hospital so we needed to jet. Mathew grabbed a towel out of the laundry room & put it in my seat in the car. along the way it happened again. twice. I walked into that doctors office in my probably dripping wet pants. so much for a freaking pad. They took me right to the back & the doctor checked me.  Mathew had never been in there for one of those things & seeing his face was priceless. The doctor said something funny, can't remember what, but when he did I laughed & I died, I stopped breathing & my heart seriously stopped. Why? Because when I laughed I squirted out more liquid. all over his sleeve. "It's ok Emma, happens all the time!". I didn't buy it, but it made me laugh again & it was all on the floor & it looked super gross. only me.

Dr. Hanson said that we could head to the hospital, that Dr. Brezina was on call & would be taking care of us. "good luck!"

What? I don't know if I'm ready for this. This, THIS is happening... wet, squirting pants & all.

The hospital was right down the road & we made it there in just a few minutes, I'd say around 2:30/3pm. But during the drive there was when the real contractions started. We walked in, Mathew trying to act like this wasn't one of the biggest events in our lives for my sake. Remember the picture above, the wet pants, the pain that was probably now apparent in my face in the form of a pissed off glare. "what are you here for today?" Stupid receptionist lady. Seriously?

After checking in with Captain Obvious & getting my now in crippling pain every 3-4 minute butt in a wheel chair, they took us to the delivery wing. I had never been at the hospital before, never remember getting a gown on except for at the OB's office & you girls know how fun those NOT A GOWN things are. Why don't they just tell you to "take your clothes off & try covering up with this papertowel." Anyway, 4ft 8, regular size person gown.. didn't work out too well. They went & found me a child's. More "water" squirting, hooking up to things, freaking out inside my head, closer by the minute contractions, etc...

The results of all the checking? - Elevated blood pressure [duh, but really it was more than it should have been], lots of protein in my urine. what?! it had only been 6 or so hours since I was checked out by my doctor & everything was fine!

This next part is a little fuzzy. They gave me something to slow down the labor. They were afraid I'd pass out & they needed to stabilize my blood pressure. They told me I could get the epidural if I wanted just in case the baby decided to come anyway. DUH! Mathew's face when he saw the needle: priceless. After that I felt great, they reclined my bed, gave me something to drink & told me that they needed me to rest. Mathew [who had been awake since 10pm the night before] & I finally took our nap.

They woke me up later to check me out & see if they needed to get me started pushing. Of course I was ripe for the picking. Mathew woke up with all the activity going on & we got the show started. I pushed a few times, I was thirsty, sweaty & just wanted it to be over. "do you need a break? it's ok if you want to take a break." "no!" "Ooh kay, support her leg dad, we need a BIG push". 2 pushes later &.... you know what?! a baby crowning out of your vag, even with an epidural  hurts & burns like [censored]. Then the effing shoulders come through.

I'm trying to recall my thoughts, I can't. I was just there, in the moment, waiting for my baby. Dr.- "dad! you wanna cut the umbilical cord?" "no thanks!" "come here, you're cutting it, you'll regret it if you don't" "it's ok" "do it". Mathew took the scissors & gently tried to cut the umbilical cord. "wow" "you have to do it really hard try again" "oh man! that sucker's tough, they should make like bungee cord out of it something" - no joke.

He was here. Douglas was here. It wasn't just the 2 of us any more. He peed on the nurses as soon as he arrived & daddy cut him loose. He peed on the nurse that was trying to get his foot prints. That should have been an indication of what was to come. When you come to our house & use the main bathroom, please don't judge me by the strong smell of urine or any urine stains, drops, or puddles you may encounter.

I held him. I don't remember what all happened & what was said, but I was swollen, everywhere. every. where. They put bags of ice on my lady parts to make the swelling go down, & just covered me with a million blankets so I wouldn't be too cold. They said they'd have to keep me there for 24 hours & check on me every 1/2 hour. My blood pressure was crazy. I couldn't have my baby with me alone. someone else had to be in there with me. They were still afraid I'd pass out.

Everything turned out good & my blimpiness disappeared. We moved to a regular room after my 24 hours were up. My mom came to the hospital Thursday morning & we were released that afternoon. I remember coming home to a "wellcome baby" sign, my mom's cooking, & funny Salvadorian traditions. I was SO glad she was there. But mostly I was glad Douglas was there. His room was ready, his daddy was proud, & I was ready to be the best mom I could try to be. I wanted him to be his own person, I wanted to teach him that there was so much to learn from the world, that he should explore it. I wanted him to know God's love, God's forgiveness. I wanted him to know every song in the church hymnal but also Likin Park, Metallica, The Moldy Peaches, Bach, The Beetles, Johnny Cash. I wanted him to appreciate the little things, be happy, be polite, be funny, tough, cool, sweet, empathetic, educated, cultured, friendly.

His taste in music is SO diverse, he'll grab a song book & wants to sing Victory In Jesus. Then we get in the car & he wants to listen to Johnny Cash, Greenday, Adele. He cares for his sister, will be friends with anyone, loves having books read to him, playing games, wrestling, brushing my hair. He's creative. He wants to be a superhero. He's everything I hoped for & more.

It's hard to believe that ALL that happened 4 years ago. That out of both my birthing experiences that was the easiest. That Douglas has a little sister. It's unbelievable the kind of person he's become, & is becoming. I'm already SO proud of him.

Here's wishing Douglas a very happy 4th birthday.