on being bipolar

This post will be brutally honest. It will be a look inside me, my brain, my soul.. It's a scary place, well only scary because it's different. So if you don't like different, if you are going to be judgmental, discriminating, critical, cynical, or condescending, just go ahead and close out this tab and head on back to Facebook.

In my last personal post I came out of the bipolar closet.... well, kind of. I guess if you're around me, you know I'm up and down a lot. It's a struggle.

"I want to sit with you right now... Cause some days you're nice. And some days you're mean." -Isabella, age 3.

I've been watching [when I say watching, it means that I let it play on my laptop or the iPad while I do dishes, cook, clean, crochet.. fold laundry.] Say Yes to the Dress. The other day there was a girl on there who just couldn't find a dress, she had OCD. Like bad. She'd wash her hands til she bled bad. So "saying yes to the dress" and actually making that decision was so hard for her. It made me sad. You could tell that she just wanted to scream, she just wanted to be normal for a bit. Just enjoy the experience without over thinking it. Though I don't have OCD I can understand her struggle. The wishing you could just get over it and be normal, but feeling this wall that just shuts you out of that "normalcy" that you can see in others. I see moms that have a full day, that get to paint chairs, work out, take their kids to activities, keep their house tidy, make 3 meals most days. and still have time to hang out with their friends once or twice a week.. That blows my mind. I don't even get it. How?! HOW do you do that?! I have my good times, when I'm on a roll and I'm all, "Check me out! I'm an adult!" and then there's those slumps. The house is a wreck, the kids are dirty and we're eating cereal from the last 2 clean bowls. During a craft show, after just having a baby, or just during a stressful time, that would be acceptable to me. But every couple of weeks?! Ugh. It kills me. Then I feel busy, full of energy ready to take on every project and the world. But it takes all that energy for me to get things caught back up. I understand that you should just keep up with the dishes girl. Just suck it up and do it. Duh. Easy peasy right? It should be. Then why is it so daunting to me?! Why is keeping a balance so hard. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember. A lot of people don't get it. They just don't. And that's ok. Just be nice. Don't judge. On my good days, I bet I'd run circles around you.

I am not a morning person, ever. Even on my good days. I mean, I think that the whole world agrees that waking up is hard. On those really, really bad days for me, it's even harder. I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all. Like I could just go right on sleeping. For days. I've been trying to head that off by waking up extra early and going to the gym at least 2-3 times a week. On the days that I do, I love it. Waking up is still hard, but when I come home I have to shower, get breakfast, wake the kids up, and get D to school. Then I come home, feed the dogs and water the plants.. [I've kepts a few plants + herbs alive y'all!! woo hoo!] That sets the tone for the day and I have a plan and take care of business. I'd like to thank my darling friend Shannon for getting me hooked on the early morning work out thing. Shannon is a stud... She teaches cardio kickboxing at the YMCA and totally kicks people's egos to the curb. The best part about early morning work outs is that no matter what the rest of the day throws at you, you've already worked out and can just go to bed when the kids do. Like 8pm. I think appreciation for an early bed times just comes with growing older..

My psychiatrist and I have decided that this little routine and having a game plan for the day is my best way of coping with my moods. I thrive with order. But then.. I'm also an all or nothing type of girl.. when that morning routine is broken, I feel like I should just give up and start again the next day. That sucks. It takes a lot for me to snap out of it.

Another thing that I have found helpful are friends. Cutting a lot of crappy friends out. Not where you thought I was going with this huh? Well, I made a list. One of my best friends, I think she's my best friend actually.. though we don't go around doing the whole "besties!" thing because.. well, that's stupid. She once said, "friendships are supposed to be easy. No making excuses, just honest and easy. Relationships with family and your partner, those are the ones that require so much work." And she's right. So I decided to evaluate my friendships. I didn't have any bad friends really, but I did let people use me. I did get overwhelmed taking care of my friends and not myself or my family. I did let friends influence me going to Sonic for lunch and letting the kids play, then going to the park even though I know I should get home and work on orders or whatever. I didn't want to miss out. I'd stay up late to get things done, then was a zombie during the day.

Those friends didn't get it. So we don't hang out as much anymore. I've made 3 sections on my "friends list": 1. friends I'll see at holiday parties and birthday parties (most people) 2. friends that are definitely keepers (4 people I think) and 3. "friends" that I don't want as friends at all, that if I never saw or heard from them again I couldn't care less.. (only 2 on this one!) That may be harsh. But that's how my mind works best, with lists, compartments, and boundaries. I've never had boundaries before. People would talk to me about anything and I'd over share and get overly attached and try to mother everyone. People don't want you to be their mother Emma!

Learning boundaries, having a routine... er.. a FLEXIBLE routine, and being true to myself no matter what, that's what I need. That's what will help me. But besides all that.. because all that really just goes to the crapper more often than I'd like and then what?! Besides all that I know in my heart, my soul what I need. "The only one that can satisfy the human heart is the one who created it" -C.S. Lewis. I need God. I need to surrender, walk with, remember, even notice God. That's the hardest for me. I have a control issue, it's all or nothing like I've said before, so allowing someone else to guide me and let me lean on them is SO hard for me. It's a daily struggle. Surrender, just be. Just go with it. Be present, live your life, don't just exist. As a mom, as a friend, as a very conscious person I've realized that the best way to love, the biggest gift you could give to your spouse, your children, your family, your friends is to just let them be. Let them be themselves, let them grow and learn, and be there for them. No judgement, no meanness, just love. Douglas and Isabella behave well [for the most part], I have high standards and we have rules.. but they can choose to love ballet, and hip hop, and candy. And I'll encourage them to love those things that THEY want.. but I'll also make them brush their teeth, and practice their dance, and do good in school. Just like I know Mathew loves the gym and being fit, and pricey running shoes... But I also know when I should get him a bowl of ice cream because he's had a bad day.. and then tell him no to seconds.

That's how God works. Look around, he gave us this. It's up to us to choose what we do with it, he lets us be. Why not be great?!

Hi, my name is Emma

and I may be a little overwhelmed... I'm going to tell you everything that has been going on.. then maybe later in the week (month) I'll expand on it.

The gym my husband owns with a friend is opening it's second location. I know I'm part owner too, but I feel weird saying that. Because it's really his thing. So when people ask if I own it I say, "my husband does." We've been working around the clock (him more than me) to get it open. Hopefully we can by the end of the week.

I've changed Created to EmmaMade. My hats are in a retail store.

I'm planning a big indie craft show for March 2014. I'm hosting it. I'M putting it together. It's something I've been wanting so bad! I found the location, got all the paperwork/permits/rules figured out. I'm going for it!

Douglas is in kindergarten. He's there more than he is home it feels like. He goes from 8-3 Monday through Friday. I miss him. I'm also room parent for his class. But he's also developed a social anxiety thing. Maybe it's a phase. But his daddy kind of does the same thing. He's in a boys hip hop class.

Isabella is obsessed with ballet. Also tinkerbell and Holly Golightly. Yes, Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast At Tiffany's. She acts like she's 25. But she's cute I guess. She is in a ballet class.

Mathew goes in for another CAT scan next month. There's a chance he may have to have another surgery.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Bipolar 2. Not the super intense bipolar 1. Not the Silver Lining's Playbook bipolar. I'm ok saying it now. I'm ok talking about it. Now that it's real. At first I just thought I was lazy/ill equipped/not cut out for life as an adult. There's those dumb people. Ok, they aren't dumb, maybe ignorant, inconsiderate people who believe that mental illnesses aren't real. And honestly, I agree with them to an extent. Now a days every child out there has ADD and every adult has fibromyalgia or depression. But I honestly believe that we just don't take care of ourselves. There's no discipline. No spirituality, it's looked down upon, who has time for it?! there's no eating healthy, it's about convenience. Exercising?! what? that doesn't fit into my schedule. Not to mention all the full time moms that also have a full time job. I fortunately can stay home with my children. I love it so much. But when I went to talk to someone about my issues I was worried that they would tell me that I was bored and should take a class or get a job. Honestly I can't imagine ever being bored. I love life, love painting, drawing, crocheting, baking, decorating cakes, watching comedies, documentaries. Who can get bored with the internet around?! Betty Draper said it best, "only boring people get bored." But society has a stigma about stay at home moms. We do not stay home eating bon bons and watching soap operas... one of my husband's closest friends even asked him about me, "Doesn't she want more?" More?! More. I couldn't ask for more. I have my little handmade business, I help my husband in his endeavors, I'm in charge of a household. That's a lot. Things that until not too long ago took  a whole stream of servants to do. Uh, Downton Abbey anyone?! lol a cook, a teacher, a driver, errands, organization, cleaning. Just talking about it wears me out. Add an in town job to that?! no thank you. I admire those who choose to or have to do that. But for me, my place, my happy place, is at home. listening to my children laugh and play while I make a pie. That's joy. But when sadness, not wanting to get out of bed to even feed your children, not wanting to even eat creeps in there... there's a problem. I will answer the basics: No, I am not nor do I plan on taking medication. I thrive on a schedule. So early morning work outs and meal planning will make it all a lot easier. I take on others emotions, so surrounding myself with good friends is super important. Being present and enjoying the moment will help SO much. Also talking to a psychiatrist a couple of times a month has been a life saver. I think that I had about a year and a half where I took the world and put it on my shoulders. Mathew's surgery, 2 babies, my brother lived with us, my mom is well, my mom. When things started getting back "to normal", Mathew going back to work, Douglas starting school, my brother moving out, both kids becoming more independent, I looked around and I wasn't there anymore. I was so busy keeping everyone together that I had let my mind, my heart, my soul slip. I also like to be the motherly type. I take people under my wing and try to just smother them with kindness and love. Even to the detriment of my own family and health. That has to stop.

So day by day. We're living the life we were put here to live. A happy one. One that reflects our father and all the wishes he has for us. One in which we grow and learn every day. Just like the life I picture in my mind for my children. Be healthy, be kind, be happy, have fun, follow your dreams, and don't forget about the one that made you. You are representing your maker + your family every day. When you make mistakes and don't recognize that person in the mirror, just dust it off and start again. Every day is another opportunity to be better. Not better than anyone else, but better than the you you were yesterday.

-Emma

Kindergarten

Douglas graduated preschool last week.
Didn't he just start preschool?!

What am I going to do when he comes home and tells me how some dumb little kid was mean to him?!   I'm not opposed to punching 5 year olds in the face... That's not frowned upon is it?!

And it's not like he hasn't been the mean kid before... sometimes I think that may be just as bad. When YOUR kid is the bully. The one that tells another kid he doesn't like them.. or tells an adult that they have B.O... sigh. Is it that you worry about the kind of person they are becoming. Don't wish for them the pains and lonely lunch eating that accompany the kind of person that lacks a filter? Or is it a selfish thing. An embarrassment. It makes you feel like a bad parent because they haven't learned compassion/self control/manners/the golden rule which are YOUR job to teach them. It makes people think that their actions are a reflection on you and maybe you suck as a person. Maybe you talk smack about others at home. "Privately", you wouldn't DARE say it to them. But after all aren't our kids' personalities an amplification of ours?! It's like holding a mirror up to yourself... I didn't realize how often I put my hands on my hips until Isabella started doing it. Or that I may say bad things about the slow car in front of us... and about the person driving it until Douglas shouted, "hurry up you stupid car!". That Isabella could call her papa a pig because she heard grandma say, "papa is such a pig.." while cleaning up a mess he made [lovingly of course].

Douglas is [for the most part] a teacher's dream; he is usually pretty quiet, kind of shy, listens to instructions, a perfectionist. But will he be too quiet? Will kids look him over and he not have any friends?! Will he get behind in school because he's afraid to ask questions but not afraid to tell the teacher when they say something he thinks is wrong?! ugh.

But again. I think this will be harder on me. I'm being selfish. Though I know that as a parent my job is to ready him to enter the big scary world out there... I don't want to. Can't we just go live in a cave somewhere, just us. Where no one will ever break his heart and he can stay in his childish "why do you have lines on your belly" asking mentality..

But I love that boy. I love the things he loves. He asks how to get to heaven and if I can teach him sometime, when he's ready. He asks so many questions, about cows, grass, things I don't like. But I try to teach him, answer the questions I can about God's love and Michael Jackson. About matching clothes and how you shouldn't be afraid to try new things [even when I am]. I try to teach him about being nice to people, treating your friends and family with love and being considerate. About taking care of himself and how to shower. [we're working on him washing his own body. He has to know the name to EVERY part.. like the elbow pits + knee pits.. also the bankle. That's the back part of your ankle that holds a lot of dirt in the creases when you're running around barefoot. you're welcome for the information, it's free.]

He's a good kid. I think he's ready. He has to be. I have to be. It's happening.

XOXO-
Emma